I have always found it easier and perhaps more enlightening to look at experiences in my life as chapters out of the story of my life – must be the writer in me – instead of looking at them as bad, good or ugly situations. Each experience, from beginning to end can be a learning experience and as long as we are able to look back on it and see clearly what we have learned and perhaps if the experience was not so enjoyable, what we will do differently next time, then it certainly makes it easier to forgive, let go and move on. Some things and people are easier to let go and move on from than others of course. As William Shakespeare states in his play, Hamlet, “Nothing is good nor bad; but thinking makes it so.”
This past year has been one of the toughest in my life and I was certain that I had been cursed or had done something terribly wrong to bring about the blocks – personal and financial that came before me. However, now that the year has essentially passed and the different chapters are coming to a close, my perspective is becoming clearer.
I have said many times that un-forgiveness can and will bring about blockages in our lives. However, sometimes when we get caught up in a situation or with a person, it is difficult to truly get free of it and recognize that we have un-forgiveness.
I began this year in Honduras having a wonderful time; however, it was not without a few hiccups; I had a very close friend betray my trust and leave me feeling rather alone and hurt during my vacation there. My error was never calling this person on his behaviour and in effect, I stuffed my hurt and disappointment which in time, became anger and bitterness. Hence, I subconsciously began a chapter in my life that attracted more experiences and people to me that were either full of anger, hurt and bitterness or they brought those very emotions out in me. It wasn’t until some of these people and situations began to dissipate in my life over the past few months and weeks that I began to see how I attracted similar situations all year long.
When I went back and re-visited the original hurt at the beginning of the year, and was honest with myself about how hurt I was and expressed this hurt to this person, I began to become free of it. Expressing one’s hurt directly to the person who hurts us is not always required or even possible if they have passed on or moved out of our lives – but the expression of the hurt or offence must first be acknowledged – this can be in the form of a letter one never sends or a journal entry – but either way, in order to continue on the path to forgiveness, we must first allow ourselves to feel the pain or hurt. Once this is accomplished, we can then authentically move into the chapter of forgiveness.
Thankfully, with the help of some friends, outside help and writing, journaling and expressing the hurts, disappointments and anger of the situations of the past year, I am beginning to be able to finally move on. What I find most interesting however, is that amidst this chaotic year I actually met someone with whom I first believed offered just the support I needed to help me through what I was experiencing. As it turns out, he was simply a mirror for me to recognize my own pain, hurt, disappointment, anger and bitterness. At one moment, he appeared to be the most loving, generous, supportive person one could imagine; but it soon became apparent, under that “sweet, generous, supportive” exterior was someone who, when things did not go his way, demonstrated the exact opposite traits; he would become mean, stingy with his love and very critical about the exact things he had been so supportive.
This threw me for a loop every time it happened – as abusive relationships often do – they become addictive to us because these types of people vacillate between “nice” and “naughty” so quickly that we become convinced that they “really are nice people” and do not mean to be so hurtful and we want to help them be better. However, they are exactly the opposite; they really are mean people who have stuffed their anger for so long, they have even convinced themselves that they are “really nice, great” people – they will even go so far as to tell us how “nice” and “great” they are on a continual basis. My mother always said, “be wary of anyone who is always tooting their own horn – they are doing this to convince themselves of something they don’t truly believe about themselves”.
Once distanced from this person, I very clearly began to realize how and why I attracted him to my life during this particularly difficult chapter in my life. I was stuffing my own frustration, anger and bitterness towards other people in my life who had actually hurt me and therefore, I attracted someone who was full of his own frustration, anger and bitterness and he used me to take his feelings out on – he often projected onto me the very things he didn’t want to believe were true about himself.
It didn’t take long, once I began to forgive the other people in my life, to realize how this person was simply a mirror to me regarding my own heart and that once I let go of the people who actually hurt me; it became easier and easier to let go of this person. In fact, while he was useful as a mirror to me, he became redundant very quickly. I began to realize that while he had a good job and appeared to be generous, he was one-dimensional with no real joy, passion or excitement about life. His only interest was work and one sporting activity. He could not introduce or offer anything new to my life because he was lacking those things in his own life. Hence, he was not my match on any level; save for mirroring my own frustration.
Hence, as I began to forgive, he left my life very quickly and so did all feeling for him. The attachment I felt was simply the attraction of needing to work out the original hurts in my life. I am very grateful and glad to be able to write that I am on my path to forgiveness and wonderful things are flowing and happening in my life now that I have let go of the past year and this person who served for a time as my mirror. I thank him for that.
Consequently, be wary of those postulating their own worth all of the time. Why do they have to convince you of their “niceness” with their words? Are their actions not enough? And secondly, keep a keen eye on the purity of your own thoughts, words, actions and soul – if it is clear of bitterness and un-forgiveness, many wonderful people will be attracted into your life and those that are not so wonderful, such as this guy, will go hurriedly out of it!