Archive | January 2013

10 Things Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You: Go Have Fun! – Part 4 of 10

Happy kids Happy kids

What do these children have to teach you?             Everything! 

One of my favourite exercises that allows us to not only get in touch with our inner child and understand who they are; but also allows us to reconnect with ourselves as adults and understand who we REALLy are, is taking the time to do two things:

1.  Find a picture of yourself (that you really like) when you were a child; enlarge it, frame it and put it somewhere you can see it every day!

2.  Communicate with this child on an on-going basis – everyday, if possible.

Finding the photo should be the easy part.

How do we go about communicating with our inner child and why should we even bother? 

The child that we once were, in its innocence and youth was the true core of who we were meant to be as adults.  Along the way, with school, peers, parents, teachers, authority figures telling us who we were and who we ought to be – we began to lose our connection with our inner child.  However, that child hasn’t gone anywhere!

He/She is within us, waiting for us to come out and play, if you will.    Similar to the Holiday Song, Frosty the Snowman, when he says, “Now don’t you cry, I’ll be back again some day!” we have said to our inner child.  However, how many of us have ever bothered to return to our inner child and went out and played with full abandonment?

We are like Frosty – no one believes that as adults we should dance and sing and play and be silly like children, but I’m here to tell you that we love this story because it is just that –  unbelievable and silly!

Have a look at the photos above of these young children.  What do you imagine would be their message to us as adults?  I encourage you to sit down as soon as possible and write a letter (or just a question or two) to your inner child and ask it what it would tell you about yourself:

1.  What qualities did you possess as a child?

2.  What did you love to do?

3.  What did you dream of becoming?

4.  What advice does he/she have for you about some situation in your life that you are at a loss about?

5.  What recommendation does he/she have for you in order to have more fun, joy and laughter in your life?

I have done this exercise and it works.  Just like John Lennon says, “There will be an Answer” if you take the time to talk and listen to your inner – Authentic Self, today! To get you into a more playful, open state, watch the video below!  It’s fun!

Frosty the Snowman (video and lyrics)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGDi8TqqeX8

Next Post:  The 5th Thing Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You!

10 Things Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You: You’re Okay! Part 2 of Top 10 Series

I am Okay

One of the best statements I’ve ever heard – and from one of my closest friends – who is often thought of as eccentric and “different” and yet is one of the most intelligent, nicest people I know – is this:

“I’m Okay Because I Say, I‘m Okay!’

He states this because he believes – as do I – that one can get so wrapped up in all of the self-help, new-age philosophy and advice from people, resources, books, television programs,  columns etc. that we tend to live in a society where it is actually weird to say we feel “normal” or “okay” or “good” or that our life is balanced.  To feel normal and that we are actually doing “okay” just cannot be accurate.  There must be SOMETHING wrong with us, because doesn’t everyone have issues, baggage, need a therapist, need to read a self-help book?

At particular times in our lives, we may very well benefit from reading a good self-help book – I know I have – that helps us along our journey or gives us new perspective on our lives or revelation about ourselves.  However, what our Authentic Self knows and wants to tell us is this:  “______, you really are okay!  You have everything within you – the wisdom, guidance, strength, creative ideas to help yourself and lead and live a great life!”

Imagine that we were on a deserted island for a moment and there was no one to guide us or help us survive.  We have everything we need within us in order to figure it our for ourselves.  The problem isn’t that each one of us does not have this inner wisdom to tell us how we can begin to feel better, heal ourselves, think differently; it’s simply that we are too busy – or too uncomfortable to sit with ourselves long enough to listen – or talk – or journal with that inner voice and let it actually have its say.  We drown it out with our work, our errands, cleaning, running around, music, phone calls, texting, etc.

And all the while it sits within us; like the patient little buddha (or Yoda or spirit) and waits for us to enter into a conversation with it.  Sometimes we get fortunate enough to hear it anyway or the Universe sends someone to tell us the same piece of advice we should have taken from ourselves – but more often than not, we don’t listen and we end up going down a path or making a decision that is not the best choice for us; or we find ourselves in a health crisis, before we are forced to stop and listen.

Why wait?  Have you got 10 minutes?  5 minutes?  How about 30 seconds to close your eyes and begin to practice getting in touch with your inner self?  She or He would love to reconnect with you and tell you that yes, you are okay and you can be even better, healthier, happier if you will listen to  her/his advice, wisdom, guidance, creative ideas – because she/he can help you get on an even better, more efficient – and probably a lot easier – and healthier path.

I am including an exercise from one of my Post Series under,  Senses & Intuition:

Below is a 5-10 minute activity to help you connect with your Intuitive Inner Voice: (It’s fun and relaxing!)

Sit comfortably with a straight spine, yet relax the body.  Feel yourself connected to the ground as you breathe deeply through the nose. Close your eyes, inhale deeply and travel in your imagination through a little boat in your bloodstream to your 3rd eye (a point about 2.5 cm above the bridge of the nose).  Here you see a ‘House Of The Senses’.  Allow it to be as it is.  Open the door with a golden key and enter.  Have a look around.  What can you see, hear, smell?  What is beneath your feet?  Enter a room on the right and explore.  This is the Room of Sight.  If any improvements, cleaning etc. are needed here, ask your angels or guides to appear and do the work.  Make it sparkle, and set it up just the way you want it.  Then progress through each room in turn – they lead off each other, in a circle going around the house, as follows:  Sight, Hearing, Smell, Taste, Touch.  Visit each room in turn, notice how it is, clean and clear it, improve as necessary,  let your guides help.

Now, you return to the centre of the house.  Ascend the stairs to the room above.  This is the room of the Sixth Sense.  Again, notice how it is, clean and clear it, ask your guides to make any needed improvements.  Now, breathe deeply in the clean fresh air, and then blow, blowing through all the doors and windows, the rooms of your senses, several times.  Then leave the house through a new door, knowing you can return any time.  Come back to the conscious world now, and notice how your senses may have changed.  Bite a crisp apple, notice the scents in the air,  hear the sounds… (This meditation is adapted from ‘The Possible Human’ by Jean Houston.)

Now watch Tom Hanks in a clip from the movie, Cast Away use his OWN wisdom and sheer determination to bust open a coconut for water!  You will also notice that it is NOT force, but ingenuity and skill that eventually helps him be successful! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEfp7um-ONk

Next Post:  The FOURTH thing your Authentic Self Has to Tell You!

L.O.V.E: Live a Life of Vibrant Energy

LISTEN TO TANYA M. COOPER:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lizyt/2014/11/25/tanya-m-cooper-author

LOVE Cover

Please check out Tanya’s latest book which is a compilation of all of my posts within this blog at the following sites:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/tanya-m-cooper?store=allproducts&keyword=tanya++m+cooper

http://www.publishamerica.net/product53922.html

How can you live your own Renaissance?

1.  Change Your Perspective:

     The Mystery of Mona Lisa:

“When the viewer looks directly at [her] mouth…the fovea{of our eye] does not pick up the shadows, and the portrait no longer appears to be smiling.  Therefore, the appearance and disappearance of her smile really is an attribute of viewers’ vision. This is one of the reasons why the painting has remained an enigma to art enthusiasts and perhaps the most famous painting in the world.” http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-mystery-behind-the-mona-lisa.htm

Another example is the pigeon; it’s head continually sways from front to back so that when its head is in backward motion, the pigeon is re-aligning its vision in order to see what is ahead of it.  We need to…

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L.O.V.E: Is All You Need – Part 1 of Top 10 Series

Love is all you need

Was John Lennon right?  Is love all we need?  I was reading my New Year‘s Horoscope on the subway on January 1st while returning home from an awesome New Year’s Eve party at the Bata  Shoe Museum downtown Toronto.  My horoscope said that this year would be a year of great personal growth and it ended with this statement:  “you have an important message to share with the world and that is – love is, was and will always be the answer to every question.”

On reflection, I think this is the message, deep at my core that I know to be true.  I spent some time reflecting back on the choices that I made this year and it is evident that where I put love into the equation things generally worked out for the best for me.  Where I lacked love and instead added frustration and stubbornness to a problem; it became worse.

My example is this:  I own a house in which I was renting to a family that intended to purchase it at the end of the lease.  This family fell on hard times.  However, the woman was very stubborn, hard to deal with and often paid her rent late even when things were going well for them.  After the six bounced cheques (and after I returned from a vacation where a close friend had deceived me and took money from me for a place that I never actually stayed at) I returned home to Canada ready to fight.

While I had been “loving” and understanding for the previous year and half, I had as they say, “lost that loving feeling” and I was ready to evict these irresponsible, non-paying tenants.  Now in terms of justice, I was well within my rights and everyone I spoke to about the situation said, “Oh, evict them!  Get rid of them!”.  However, deep inside my core, I knew that fighting with this woman was not the answer.  I knew how stubborn and belligerent she was as I suspect that’s all she had known most of her life – and knew no other way of dealing with the world and those around her.  Hence, she was well-practiced at fighting back.  Though it had been difficult I had, for a year and half, approached her with understanding and love and while she never seemed to appreciate it very much, she did always eventually pay her rent and come around. However, after a year and half of dealing with her, I was tired of being so loving and understanding.

This time, when I chose to fight her – she dug in her heels and fought back and somehow, as the justice system always seems to – it failed me.  I was stuck with this family in my home for nine months (yes, NINE months) without paying me a dime.  It was a delayed eviction because she had lost her job and was a single mother (funny enough her husband was there to help her move!).  In any case, it did not turn out for the best for me, financially, emotionally or mentally.

I specifically remember the day of the court date.  I was staying in a local hotel as the tribunal was in another city and I felt compelled to read the bible – most hotels leave one in the bedside table.  I was not looking for any specific scripture but I will never forget to what page I just happened to open the bible.  It was the scripture, Timothy 2 Verse 2-3, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.  And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel, instead he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth and they will come to their senses.”

I believe the overall message that God or the Universe was sending me that day was instead of fighting with my tenant, I should have treated her with love and in some way, instead of threatening her with eviction (even though I was legally entitled to do so) I should have found some other resolution.  Do I believe the Universe wanted me to get taken advantage of and “turn the other cheek?”  No.  I believe that our Divine Creator has great wisdom and he/she knew exactly what kind of person my tenant was and how she would react to me beginning a quarrel with her and that I would most likely lose, which I did.

How could I have responded in love instead?

I could have negotiated with her for payments or went to see her and asked her what was really going on and how I could help.  It would have required a lot of understanding and courage on my part but as it turned out, that would not have been any more difficult than watching a stranger live in my house for nine months while I paid all of her rent and utilities.  Needless to say, hindsight is twenty-twenty isn’t it?

So what do I do from here?

I learn the lesson that love probably was the answer to this problem and probably is the answer to many, if not all, questions.  Most people who are rude, disrespectful, cause us issues or we have conflicts with is because they have not had enough love in their lives.  It is very difficult to return evil with love but I am going to begin writing a few blogs on how to become more loving and approach each and every situation with love.  Here’s to 2013 being the “end of the world as we know it” regarding negativity, violence and problems and it being a “new year” of approaching every “question” with love.  Let’s face it, approaching every question with bitterness, frustration, or anger hasn’t solved anything.  Anyone ready to try a one year experiment with me and bring nothing but L.O.V.E. to this world?

Of course, first we need to understand what love is – it is not always an emotion – sometimes we may not feel any love for someone, but we can still “act” in love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gng7EBv3G2k (All you Need is Love by the Beatles)

Next Post:  Love – What is it?

F.E.A.R: Forgetting Everything is All Right – How to Have More Faith! Part 5 of Top 5 Series

takethefirststepinfaith-1

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

F.A.I.T.H.:    Forgetting Advice and Initiating Trust & Hope

What allows us to take that first step of faith, even when fear stands there like a big bully, telling us we can’t do it?   Some people would say it’s having faith in something higher than ourselves – God or the Universe – that will make sure everything will be okay.  This may be true, but what if we don’t have this kind of faith or we have lost it because something or someone has disappointed us?

What do we fall back on to provide us with the faith we need?  It depends on how old we are of course as to how many times in our lives we can refer back to what did work out to give us the faith to persevere.  These are called Milestones of Faith.  I have had to refer back to them many times; especially when all odds are against me in terms of finding a job, getting approved for a loan or credit, selling a house, etc.

I want to share my “Debra” story with you.  This milestone story was the first that really began to change my perspective and help me to believe that though I might have been making decisions in my life, there was definitely some force – energy, love, wisdom – that was guiding my steps.

One day when I was bored –  and frustrated at not being able to land a full-time teaching job – I called the overseas placement office at my University and inquired about what I needed in order to teach overseas.  The gentleman – the placement officer – gave me a detailed lecture as to why I didn’t qualify, as one needed to have at least two years teaching experience within Canada first or one needed to apply through the job fair that happened in late winter and hope to be chosen as a successful candidate by one of the representatives from a foreign country.

I was literally hanging up the phone after thanking him for his information – albeit disheartening, when I heard him say, “Well, just a minute.  I might have something you’re interested in.  I’ve got a vacant teaching position as the girl who was supposed to go backed out at the last-minute, but it’s in Colombia, South America and they would need you to start in two weeks.  So, you’re probably not interested.”

I responded with one question: “Where is Colombia, South America?”   He proceeded to explain to me where it was located and what was expected in such a job and what was the hiring process.  I didn’t say no and I didn’t say yes.  I listened and pondered what my mother would say if I told her that her youngest daughter was going to fly to another country – another continent – and teach.  In essence, live the dream I had known I would live since I was a very little girl.

I knew that it was what I was meant to do.  Hence, I said I was willing to at least prepare to go and I did just that.  I travelled back and forth to Toronto at least twice to apply and pick up my work visa; I sold my things – at least the things I could, and I researched as much as I could about Colombia. I went to my National Geographic “Earth” book and looked up Colombia.  I had read and re-read that book so many times that I actually remembered the only visual I had of Colombia – it was of a group of tribal men carrying a huge anaconda – a dead one – through a field.  And still this did not scare me off.  I had decided too, to take my 10 week old puppy – ironically named, “Winter” with me to a tropical foreign country.

Two weeks later, I said goodbye to my boyfriend, my cat, my country and my life as I had known it and Winter and I embarked on the journey of a lifetime.  This is where my inner journey truly began – because what happened next changed my thinking and my beliefs forever.  After first being offered the position by the placement officer, he recommended that I get in touch with the Principal of the school in which I would be working in Colombia to learn more about the school, the country and make arrangements for picking me up at the airport.  I remember her words – I always will – when we were saying goodbye for the last time before my trip.  She said, “I will be at the airport with a sign with your name on it and I am bringing Debra with me.”  It seemed an odd thing to say because I had no idea who Debra was, nor would there be any reason for me to know a Debra in Colombia, South America and yet the Principal’s tone indicated that I should know.

Hence, when I stepped off of the plane, retrieved my baggage and walked out in to the arrival lobby of the airport, surrounded by men with automatic machine guns – a vision I had never before seen in Canada – I was astounded when beside the woman I assumed was my new Principal, was Debra.  A girl – the only girl I had become friends with in Canada during my year in Teacher’s college.  She was standing there smiling and I knew in an instant that I was in exactly the place I was meant to be.

This scary journey of travelling over 2000 miles to another continent where I knew no one, suddenly turned into a sacred journey of revelation for me.  I did know someone already and she – Debra – turned out to be both my colleague and my roommate for my first year in Colombia which eased all of my fear and trepidation in an instant.  I was home:  If one could call an entirely different country, culture and race, home.  I did, for three more years of my life even though the contract was originally only for 9 months.  The “Debra” story doesn’t end there, however.

Three years later – yes, I loved Colombia so much that I remained there teaching for three more years – I returned to Canada.  Debra had returned a year earlier and I had lost touch with her.  She was originally from a small town east of Toronto and so I naturally assumed she would have found a job somewhere near that area.

In any case, I spent the next eight months living on my savings and searching for a teaching job.  I waited eagerly from January until June and by the time the summer was ending, I was almost out of money with no job prospects.  However, about two days before the end of August, I applied for a job with a school west of Toronto.  My interview was at 3pm on the first day of school!  Who gets hired the first day of school? I thought to myself.

I was sitting in the interview room and the Principal said to me, “Choose a question from the board and answer it in any order that you choose.”  I chose number 7: It asked, “What is the most interesting experience you’ve had in your life?”  I began to talk about my teaching experience in Colombia and 2-3 minutes later when I brought up Debra as an aside; the Principal looked at me and said, “You don’t mean our Debra?”

I looked just as baffled as her I’m sure, and said, “well, if you mean Debra ________, yes, that’s who I am talking about.”  The Principal looked at me and she replied:  “You are never going to believe this, but we have a Debra ________ here at our school who lived and taught in Colombia for two years and she’s been working here for almost two years now.  She is transferring to another school and so her position is the one you will be taking over.”

I sat there in disbelief.  Not only did I finally have an interview, but of all the school boards and in all of the schools within that school board; and of all the positions I could be interviewing for, could it be possible that it was the Debra ________ who I had once again “followed” to the place in which I was meant to be?

In that moment, the Principal stopped the interview and called Debra down to the office from her classroom.  You can imagine her surprise when she came through the door to find me interviewing for the job she was leaving.   Needless to say, they hired me.  I think we were all in shock.  Since that day, I have never looked at my life the same way. It has given me the faith I have needed in many circumstances when it appears that there is no job, no opportunity, no door opening – I wait in expectation for that ‘new’ door to open and for a “Debra” to be standing there to greet me.

I want to encourage you today to remind yourself of your milestones.  What “Debra” story do you have in your life that you can remind yourself of when times seem hopeless?  If you don’t have a Debra story, perhaps you have something similar or a time when a job, opportunity, or door opened for you when it seemed to be shut tight.  These are the times in our lives that we must hang on to tightly.  They are as much for our future faith as they were to enhance our past experiences.

“One of the saddest lines in the world is, ‘Oh come now – be realistic.’ The best parts of this world were not fashioned by those who were realistic. They were fashioned by those who dared to look hard at their wishes and gave them horses to ride.”  Richard Nelson Bolles

If you truly want to be inspired and to remind yourself that even if you do not “see the whole staircase” watch Martin Luther King Jr.’s Famous Speech, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V57lotnKGF8  and then remember that the United States of America now has a Black President!

Next Post Series:  Ten Things Your Authentic Self Wants to Tell You!

F.E.A.R: False Expectations Appearing Real – How to Worry Less and Follow Your Dreams! Part 4 of Top 5 Series

Mark Twain photo

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened!”  Mark Twain

Take if from a man who knows.  Mark Twain lived and wrote in a time and a place where his subject matter (racism & slavery) was not generally appreciated.  He also tried his hand at making a traditional living and then decided to quit and live his dream of being a writer, which wasn’t always easy or without its financial setbacks.  However, he persevered and is now one of the most well-loved and well-known American writers of all time.  To read more about his bio, visit: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1244.Mark_Twain

F.E.A.R:  False Expectations Appearing Real

How many of us, since our childhood have had dreams of being a writer, artist, photographer, dancer, musician or any number of creative pursuits, only to have those dreams squashed by the inevitable good intentions of a parent, teacher or authority figure with the words: “Well, you don’t want to become that!  You’ll never make a living at it!”

I wonder how many people have heard these words – or some variant of them – and how many have given up right then and there and buried those longings deep within; and how many, despite or in spite of those words, went headlong in the pursuit of their dreams just to prove that person wrong.  I don’t know about you – but I find the latter type of people – even if they weren’t all that successful – or at least not until after they were dead – much more inspiring than those who resigned themselves to a life and career that was more safe and secure.

These False Expectations – fears of what might happen – refer to the fears we have about stepping out into the canyon of our dreams.  Much like in the movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where he is standing right at the edge of a huge canyon and he knows in order to get to the other side he must cross it.  However, there is no path or bridge – at least that he can see with his human eye.  He has to essentially step out first in complete faith, before the next step appears for him.

It is never easy to do this.  What if we step out and we plummet to our death?  What if we step out and fail?  This type of fear is based on false expectations – which seem very real – that we will fail.  Why do we expect to fail, however?  Where do these thoughts or beliefs come from?  We know of plenty – thousands – maybe millions – of people who have stepped out and they have succeeded – some from talent and some from sheer luck or being in the right place at the right time:   Oprah, Brittney Spears, Donald Trump – how many more?

Why do we perceive ourselves so different from these people?  They are, after all, simply human just like us.  They came into this world just like us and will leave it the same way.  Why is their journey destined to be so much more wrought with financial success or fame or living their dreams?

I am here to tell you that it is not.  One of my favourite quotations is: “Well, no one told me I couldn’t do it!  So I did it!”  The only difference between most of us longing for our lost dreams and those living them is one thing – FEAR – the false ideas and core beliefs we have about ourselves and our lives.  We tend to remain where it is comfortable and safe.

I can tell you that I have never had anything too exciting happen to me by staying comfortable or safe. Trekking off to Colombia, South America to teach when I knew no one, was not without its discomfort or danger – but I did it and it changed my entire perspective – and I wrote a book about it!  Applying and re-applying to Teacher’s College and getting rejected twice before getting my – albeit 11th hour admittance – was not comforting to my ego.  Sitting for hours and hours pouring my blood, sweat and tears into three, now almost four novels, knowing full well that I might never get published wasn’t very comfortable either.  Heading off to do missionary work for three months in a foreign country didn’t feel very safe – but the experience changed my life.  Flying to Honduras to write for a month when I barely had enough money to live – the money turned up, however – didn’t make me feel very comfortable either.  Resigning from my secure paying teaching job in a small town to brave the big city of Toronto  to teach and write where I was most happiest, wasn’t very comforting or safe – but here I am – two years later, in Toronto, writing, teaching and enjoying my life.

Is it without struggles?  No.  Have I had my faith stretched as far as it could possibly go the last few years?  Yes.  Has a job always came?  Yes.  Have I survived?  Yes.  Am I determined more than ever to be financially free to write and travel this vast world now that I have had so many caverns and canyons to cross?  Absolutely!  This is what stepping out does – either by miracle, luck or perseverance we do make it the other side – and each time, it makes us more and more fear – less!

I once read a quotation that said, “Never sit down to write, until you have the courage to stand up and live!” (Henry David Thoreau).  Hence, I am now sitting down to write – and to write with everything I have in me regarding my blog and my posts, because I have stood up and lived and I want to encourage you to do this as well.  Do I suggest quitting your job tomorrow and taking up painting?  No.  What I suggest are a few practical things:

1. Make a list of all of your False Expectations:  every fear, worry, excuse, reason as to why you shouldn’t be living your dream and why you will fail.  Then burn it, toss it, rip it up!

2.   Read Debbie Ford’s “Best Year of Your Life” and “What Colour is Your Parachute?” by Richard Nelson Bolles who states: ” Always define WHAT you want to do with your life and WHAT you have to offer to the world, in terms of your favorite talents/gifts/skills-not in terms of a job-title.”  Incidentally, he was fired from his job in 1968 and you should see what has come out of him crossing this cavern of failure to his success.  Check out his bio – well worth the read:  http://www.first30days.com/experts/richard-nelson-bolles

3.  Make a plan of what your dreams or goals are – go revisit your childhood – your inner child will tell you exactly what those dreams were.

4.  Simplify Your Life – get rid of all the things, ideas and even people (especially toxic and negative ones) that are cluttering your life and holding you back!

5.  Then put all of your energy into what you love – or all of your spare energy until things begin to start opening up for you.  Since I began this blog and really focusing on writing – and writing the things that I am most passionate about – which is everything I have learned through my education, experience, people, setbacks and successes – my writing, my creativity, my inspiration and opportunities have opened up exponentially for me.  Just today, without even asking for it, I was asked if I’d like to teach a Writer’s Craft Course, which I have been longing to do for over five years.

6.  Then figure out how your dreams will meet the needs of the world.  Service to others and making this world a better place for others while also nurturing your dreams is the best way to watch the Universe open its doors to you!

Leap of Faith (Indiana Jones)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_-BOvWVycM

Remember:  W.O.R.R.Y.    Wondering Obsessively Rarely Reaps Your…Dreams!

Next Post:  F.E.A.R:  Forgetting Everything is All Right – How to Have More Faith!

F.E.A.R: Fighting Everyone And Regretting it – How to Respond – Not React! Part 3 of Top 5 Series

Saying about reacting to hurt

F.E.A.R.    Fighting Everyone and Regretting it!  (Reactionary Response)

Many of us make decisions or react out of fear in regards to a present situation because we are triggered by a memory – either consciously or subconsciously – of a past experience where we were hurt or offended in some way.

It is similar to when we have a wound or a cut that is in the process of healing; and someone comes along and bumps into us or pokes us in that exact spot.  We react involuntarily in order to protect ourselves.  Have you ever had someone say or do something to you and you react before you even realize what you are doing and you think to yourself, ‘why did that upset me so much?’  Sometimes we are aware of why we had such a reaction; and sometimes we just know that we are really hurt or really angry.

Many times, we have emotional wounds that were never addressed – usually from our childhood as we were not in a place to speak up for ourselves; nor was it safe to cry or get angry and so we either buried these hurts or these wounds scabbed over and left an indelible mark, but we do not think we carry this pain anymore because the scab has made that area numb to any more pain.

However, when it comes to emotional pain, it will continue to be triggered over and over again until we are able to face it and overcome it.  This is why we often attract similar people or situations to our lives; our subconscious is aware of the underlying hurt and it wants to be free of it and therefore sends out vibrational messages to the universe about the pain and inevitably attracts to us the very instances we need in order to finally heal.

An example:  If we had a parent who was emotionally neglectful and we are carrying pain from this – of feeling rejected – we will continue to attract the same kind of relationships to ourselves.  This is why there is so much advice to always look within in and not without.  In essence, it is not the other person we need to change – it is ourselves.  I mention this phenomenon in greater detail in my other posts under the topic, forgiveness. 

My experience is that I attracted this kind of relationship last spring – I was frustrated and angry because I had been hurt and deceived by a good friend and refusing to deal with that pain, lo and behold, I later attracted an another individual to my life who was also frustrated and angry towards people and towards me.

In many ways, he said things to me that I was feeling towards my friend and towards myself for having been foolish enough to trust this friend. It wasn’t until I was willing to revisit the original hurt that I not only was able to forgive my friend but also had the strength to extricate myself from this new unhealthy relationship.  Thank goodness, because I am more open now to attracting and meeting someone who is healthy and loving.

What happened in the meantime however, is that hanging on to that original pain and anger since last January, I inevitably continued to attract more and more frustrating situations and people to my life.  I was bombarded in 2012 with situations that led me to be hurt, frustrated and taken advantage of.  I became reactionary to these events, instead of being able to respond in a healthy manner.  These people with whom I was angry went on with their lives; I however, found myself stuck in this perpetual well of frustration.

However, the good news is that one day in the early fall, I awoke – my subconscious I suppose shook me awake – and I was able to become free of this pattern.  How did I do it?  I have discussed in many of my posts that there is a process to getting past painful experiences and finally being free of them.  Here is a simplistic outline of this process that I have found works for me:

1.  Sit down and ask yourself when this issue began:  You may get an answer that it was in your childhood, or like me, I knew it was about a year ago.

2.  Face your true feelings:  I had to admit that I was hurt and angry with my friend.

3.  Express these feelings honestly:  I wrote an email to this person (always DRAFT your email – which is not reacting, but responding) outlining what I perceived happened and how really hurt and disappointed I was.  I would normally simply draft it, read it a few times and then delete it.  This time, however, I sent it to the person.  I would highly recommend that you write the email or letter and then wait for a few days before sending it.  You may find that simply writing it and expressing your true feelings is enough.  Sometimes, simply reading it and re-reading it and validating your own feelings can be sufficient.  If however, you feel that you need the other person to know of your hurt; or you genuinely feel this person could benefit from hearing the truth, then it will be up to you whether you choose to send it or not.  If it is a boss or employer where it could put your job or career in jeopardy, I would highly recommend you don’t send it – especially from a reactionary standpoint.  Get a second opinion – have a friend or a colleague (that you REALLY know you can trust)  read it over and ask them what they would recommend.

4.  Forgiveness:  Like most of us, I don’t always feel like forgiving; but we do this for OURSELVES, not for the other person.  The adage, “bitterness is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die” is so true.  We cannot hang onto bitterness as it only poisons ourselves; meanwhile the other person goes merrily on their way.

5.  Visualization Technique:  One way that I achieve forgiveness is through visualizaton.  I imagine a lake with a dock and a boat – the size of the boat varies depending on how angry I am at the person.  I imagine that this person (or situation) is sitting in the boat.  Now, sometimes, if I am really angry, I get in the boat and I pummel this person until there is nothing left of him/her except a little pebble.  Sound awful?  Well, I encourage you to do this if you have that much anger – remember, this is only a visualization technique and cannot hurt the other person; but it a safe way for you to express all of the frustration, anger or disappointment you are carrying.  You can also punch pillows on your bed if that seems less aggressive.

However, lying to ourselves, trying to pretend we aren’t that angry, does not do us any good.  Let’s get good and honest with ourselves.  Sometimes, I am able to simply untie the boat and send it on its merry way with that person in it (I don’t always give them paddles!).  The last time I used this technique, I simply got in the boat, picked up the pebble (what was left of this person) and threw it into the lake and I kept the boat!   There have even been times, that no matter how much I expressed my anger or beat them into a little pebble, I was still not able to push off the boat and let them “go”.

Hence, I have asked Jesus (insert Buddha or whomever you associate with a stronger ability to love) to push the boat off for me.  This may seem silly to you; but I know it has worked for me.  You have to find what works for you – you may visualize something entirely different.  However, I do believe there is something very powerful about actually visualizing the “letting go” or “sending off” or “freeing of” this particular person or situation.  In essence, we are letting off the hook for hurting us.  Another wonderful way to get to the heart of the matter and be truly free from triggers is to use E.F.T. Emotional Freedom Technique.  I have discussed this technique in my other posts and I highly recommend that you read more about it or watch a video on it on the internet to learn more about it!

Step # 6:  Rejoice – be thankful for the lessons or the revelation that this person taught you and then rejoice that you are free to move on with your life – free of the trigger and now free to attract more healthy situations to your life.  We can learn just as much from a healthy, wonderful person or relationship as we can from a negative one!

How can you be sure you have really let it go?

The next time someone similar comes into your life, you will find yourself much less attracted or  not wanting to spend time with this person; or you may simply respond to what they say or do in a more healthy manner.  Sometimes, you may have to go back again and revisit the hurt – I have had to go back to the boat and go a few more rounds with some people!   In any case, you will notice when you begin to respond and not react to similar situations.  You can pat yourself on the back and know that this particular trigger is no longer causing you the same internal F.E.A.R.

Remember:  “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

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