Tag Archive | Anger

Money: How to Make it Serve You! Part 3 of 5 Series

girl surrounded by money

In What Area is Money Serving You?  In What Area is it Not?

Many of us struggle with money – or lack of it – now and then.  However, we do not necessarily struggle in all areas.  This is an important detail of which to take note.  For example, perhaps we are always lucky to land the right job at the right time; but we seem to always have an issue with having enough to pay our bills.  Perhaps, we are blessed when it comes to people paying for our dinners or other things we need; but we often have breakdowns with our car or other maintenance issues.  Maybe it’s that we are extremely lucky in winning money; but the next day, we have an accident and there goes the whole lot we’ve just won.

Why does this happen?

There is a reason why, in some financial areas we seem to thrive and in others, we are barely surviving.  The discrepancy between these areas is where lies our personal growth; and ultimately, our financial growth.  Our success is dependent on getting these areas healed and in order. 

For example, if money often seems to come to us easily; but then a few days later, our car breaks down and it just happens to be exactly or close to the amount we have just “luckily” received, chances are we have a subconscious, core belief that we either do not deserve the blessing we have been given or we do not truly believe that we are lucky or fortunate or that our luck will last.

We may be in a perpetual struggle between two conflicting beliefs because our father was always stating that he had the “luck of the Irish”, but we perpetually heard our mother say, “Oh, I just can’t get a break!”

We are often fed many misleading and negative ideas regarding money and finances and sometimes we’ve heard so many conflicting beliefs, we continue to create them in our adult lives. I don’t know about you, but this can be very tiring and frustrating! 

How do we break free of these beliefs once and for all? 

Sometimes, it is as simple as recognizing them, writing them down and saying to ourselves that we no longer need these beliefs and they no longer serve us.  At other times, if they are deep-seated beliefs or there is a great deal of emotion attached to them; it may require that we seek outside help from a psycho-therapist, spiritual healer, hypnotist or any other professional that can help us get to the bottom of these core beliefs.  The other very effective technique that can release triggers and blockages is E.F.T: Emotional Freedom Tapping Technique (please refer to my series on E.F.T on my right sidebar of my blog for more information regarding it)

Mediation is a key strategy at getting to our core beliefs, because it is in this meditative state between full consciousness and semi-sleep that we can send messages to our subconscious successfully.  Here are some key strategies to try within a meditative state:

1.  As I have mentioned in my other posts regarding this money series, watching and listening to subliminal training videos can be very helpful to begin our journey to financial freedom.

How to Think Like a Millionaire:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXPIVsDLRAM

2.  Harv T Ecker is another expert on changing our money blueprint or mindset by thinking like the rich, instead of from a poverty mentality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeNAGoFSqno

3.  Focusing on an item that is symbolic of financial freedom can also be very helpful. I have a picture of the type of car I am intending to own in the next few months and it happens to be a car that represents for me that I am in a very lucrative financial position.  I imagine driving this particular car into my family’s driveway, right down to taking my dog cage out of the car and seeing my family coming out and greeting me to have a look at my new car.  I currently enjoy and treasure the car I am driving, but I often imagine I am driving my new car when I am behind the wheel of my current one; I even imagine how much higher I will sit in the driver’s seat.

4.  Visualizing Exercises:  These are exercises regarding forgiveness and letting go of our parents’ beliefs about money and wealth, which can be very effective.  I have visualized conversations with my parents; they are asking me for forgiveness for teaching me their limited views regarding money; and I am forgiving them and accepting from them a wonderful gift that they are happy to bestow upon me, allowing me to be physically and financially free from their home and moving towards my financially free lifestyle.

5.  The key is to meditate on or visualize things that actually bring us into a state of feeling associated with owning or having wealth.  For example, when I imagine driving my new vehicle, I can actually feel the excitement and the joy of the experience.  If repeating affirmations about being a proud owner – (I am not limiting the Universe as to how it wants to bring me this car – or speaking over myself that I have to earn the money for it) – of this vehicle registers on a scale from 1-10 at about a 6, then actually visualizing driving it and feeling the emotions attached to the experience, puts us at a level of 9-10.  This higher level is what will cause our subconscious and the Universe to respond more effectively to our request or desire.

Check Out Tony Robbins “How to Breakthrough”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc4rWleclXs

Next Post:  How to Create a New Blueprint for Our Money Consciousness. Part 4 of 5 Series.

10 Things Your Authentic Self Wants to Tell You: Speak Your Truth – Part 8 of 10 Series

The-Wisdom-of-Yoda

Yoda would definitely encourage us to speak our truth….gently!

How many of us are afraid to speak our truth? Do we even know what our truth is?

Speaking our truth essentially means to express freely what we feel to be the best, healthiest and truest decision for ourselves regarding any and every situation with which we are faced.

For example, if someone asks us to do something and we really don’t want to do it, how often do we oblige this person, do what it is they are asking and then either mentally ruminate about how much we resent it or we express our displeasure verbally or through our body language to others and perhaps to the person who has asked us for help?

How many times, when someone is late or cancels on us or disappoints us in some way, we don’t bother to say anything, but all the while, hold onto anger or resentment towards this person?

How many times, when someone does something habitually to annoy us, pressures us to do something we don’t want to do, guilts us into doing something (the list goes on and on) do we keep quiet, but secretly become angry at this person or talk about them to others?

This is what happens when we are not speaking our truth; when we are not being true to our own needs, desires and preferences and care more about what people think of us than caring for ourselves.

Are there times when we need to sacrifice ourselves – our time, money, energy for the good of others?  Absolutely.  However, the problem is when we do it all of the time – we become chronic people pleasers and swallow our feelings of resentment and this almost always manifests itself in illness or gaining weight, eventually.

What are the signs we are not being true to ourselves and have failed to speak our truth?

1.  We feel angry, resentful or dread when we are about to do something.

2.  We are in a state of mental monkey mind – this is when we are going over and over what we would LIKE to say to this person, but we never actually verbalize it.

3.  When we find ourselves talking either about the person who has disappointed us in the form of gossip or complaining – or we are continually talking about how we have to do such and such for so and so and how unfair or what a pain it is.

4.  We develop colds, sore throats, toothaches – any illness to do with the throat or mouth is usually a red flag that we do not feel free to express ourselves and we are holding “infectious words” within us, instead of verbalizing them to others.

5.  We become gossips or are forever talking ABOUT someone rather than TO them.

6.  Our relationships begin to lack honesty or depth.

7.  We disempower ourselves and therefore feel weak or angry with ourselves.

8.  Eating disorders can develop – this is especially true of bulimia.  We literally “swallow” all of the unhealthy words or thoughts from others or ourselves and then regurgitate them back out in anger.

9.  Others sense our anger or resentment and avoid having social interactions with us.

10.  We actually create more separation from our Authentic Self and soon become almost deaf to our own needs and desires.

What does it mean to speak our truth?

It is when what we think, speak and act is in alignment with each other.  If we say yes to something, we make peace about it mentally and we do it.  If we say no to something, we mentally let ourselves off the hook – we do not allow guilt to develop and we stick to our “no” in our actions.  An example of this is when we begin dating and we tell our partner that we are not comfortable becoming intimate with them until three months have passed.  Then we speak and act according to what we have told the person.  If we sleep with them the next week (which of course all of us have gone back on what we’ve told someone at some point in our lives) we disempower ourselves and we never feel completely trustworthy in our own word – and neither will that other person.  My belief is, if you don’t think you can do it, then don’t say it!

Related Links:

Speak Your Truth http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Speak-Your-Truth_2

10 Things Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You: You’re Okay! Part 2 of Top 10 Series

I am Okay

One of the best statements I’ve ever heard – and from one of my closest friends – who is often thought of as eccentric and “different” and yet is one of the most intelligent, nicest people I know – is this:

“I’m Okay Because I Say, I‘m Okay!’

He states this because he believes – as do I – that one can get so wrapped up in all of the self-help, new-age philosophy and advice from people, resources, books, television programs,  columns etc. that we tend to live in a society where it is actually weird to say we feel “normal” or “okay” or “good” or that our life is balanced.  To feel normal and that we are actually doing “okay” just cannot be accurate.  There must be SOMETHING wrong with us, because doesn’t everyone have issues, baggage, need a therapist, need to read a self-help book?

At particular times in our lives, we may very well benefit from reading a good self-help book – I know I have – that helps us along our journey or gives us new perspective on our lives or revelation about ourselves.  However, what our Authentic Self knows and wants to tell us is this:  “______, you really are okay!  You have everything within you – the wisdom, guidance, strength, creative ideas to help yourself and lead and live a great life!”

Imagine that we were on a deserted island for a moment and there was no one to guide us or help us survive.  We have everything we need within us in order to figure it our for ourselves.  The problem isn’t that each one of us does not have this inner wisdom to tell us how we can begin to feel better, heal ourselves, think differently; it’s simply that we are too busy – or too uncomfortable to sit with ourselves long enough to listen – or talk – or journal with that inner voice and let it actually have its say.  We drown it out with our work, our errands, cleaning, running around, music, phone calls, texting, etc.

And all the while it sits within us; like the patient little buddha (or Yoda or spirit) and waits for us to enter into a conversation with it.  Sometimes we get fortunate enough to hear it anyway or the Universe sends someone to tell us the same piece of advice we should have taken from ourselves – but more often than not, we don’t listen and we end up going down a path or making a decision that is not the best choice for us; or we find ourselves in a health crisis, before we are forced to stop and listen.

Why wait?  Have you got 10 minutes?  5 minutes?  How about 30 seconds to close your eyes and begin to practice getting in touch with your inner self?  She or He would love to reconnect with you and tell you that yes, you are okay and you can be even better, healthier, happier if you will listen to  her/his advice, wisdom, guidance, creative ideas – because she/he can help you get on an even better, more efficient – and probably a lot easier – and healthier path.

I am including an exercise from one of my Post Series under,  Senses & Intuition:

Below is a 5-10 minute activity to help you connect with your Intuitive Inner Voice: (It’s fun and relaxing!)

Sit comfortably with a straight spine, yet relax the body.  Feel yourself connected to the ground as you breathe deeply through the nose. Close your eyes, inhale deeply and travel in your imagination through a little boat in your bloodstream to your 3rd eye (a point about 2.5 cm above the bridge of the nose).  Here you see a ‘House Of The Senses’.  Allow it to be as it is.  Open the door with a golden key and enter.  Have a look around.  What can you see, hear, smell?  What is beneath your feet?  Enter a room on the right and explore.  This is the Room of Sight.  If any improvements, cleaning etc. are needed here, ask your angels or guides to appear and do the work.  Make it sparkle, and set it up just the way you want it.  Then progress through each room in turn – they lead off each other, in a circle going around the house, as follows:  Sight, Hearing, Smell, Taste, Touch.  Visit each room in turn, notice how it is, clean and clear it, improve as necessary,  let your guides help.

Now, you return to the centre of the house.  Ascend the stairs to the room above.  This is the room of the Sixth Sense.  Again, notice how it is, clean and clear it, ask your guides to make any needed improvements.  Now, breathe deeply in the clean fresh air, and then blow, blowing through all the doors and windows, the rooms of your senses, several times.  Then leave the house through a new door, knowing you can return any time.  Come back to the conscious world now, and notice how your senses may have changed.  Bite a crisp apple, notice the scents in the air,  hear the sounds… (This meditation is adapted from ‘The Possible Human’ by Jean Houston.)

Now watch Tom Hanks in a clip from the movie, Cast Away use his OWN wisdom and sheer determination to bust open a coconut for water!  You will also notice that it is NOT force, but ingenuity and skill that eventually helps him be successful! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEfp7um-ONk

Next Post:  The FOURTH thing your Authentic Self Has to Tell You!

F.E.A.R: Forgetting Everything is All Right – How to Have More Faith! Part 5 of Top 5 Series

takethefirststepinfaith-1

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

F.A.I.T.H.:    Forgetting Advice and Initiating Trust & Hope

What allows us to take that first step of faith, even when fear stands there like a big bully, telling us we can’t do it?   Some people would say it’s having faith in something higher than ourselves – God or the Universe – that will make sure everything will be okay.  This may be true, but what if we don’t have this kind of faith or we have lost it because something or someone has disappointed us?

What do we fall back on to provide us with the faith we need?  It depends on how old we are of course as to how many times in our lives we can refer back to what did work out to give us the faith to persevere.  These are called Milestones of Faith.  I have had to refer back to them many times; especially when all odds are against me in terms of finding a job, getting approved for a loan or credit, selling a house, etc.

I want to share my “Debra” story with you.  This milestone story was the first that really began to change my perspective and help me to believe that though I might have been making decisions in my life, there was definitely some force – energy, love, wisdom – that was guiding my steps.

One day when I was bored –  and frustrated at not being able to land a full-time teaching job – I called the overseas placement office at my University and inquired about what I needed in order to teach overseas.  The gentleman – the placement officer – gave me a detailed lecture as to why I didn’t qualify, as one needed to have at least two years teaching experience within Canada first or one needed to apply through the job fair that happened in late winter and hope to be chosen as a successful candidate by one of the representatives from a foreign country.

I was literally hanging up the phone after thanking him for his information – albeit disheartening, when I heard him say, “Well, just a minute.  I might have something you’re interested in.  I’ve got a vacant teaching position as the girl who was supposed to go backed out at the last-minute, but it’s in Colombia, South America and they would need you to start in two weeks.  So, you’re probably not interested.”

I responded with one question: “Where is Colombia, South America?”   He proceeded to explain to me where it was located and what was expected in such a job and what was the hiring process.  I didn’t say no and I didn’t say yes.  I listened and pondered what my mother would say if I told her that her youngest daughter was going to fly to another country – another continent – and teach.  In essence, live the dream I had known I would live since I was a very little girl.

I knew that it was what I was meant to do.  Hence, I said I was willing to at least prepare to go and I did just that.  I travelled back and forth to Toronto at least twice to apply and pick up my work visa; I sold my things – at least the things I could, and I researched as much as I could about Colombia. I went to my National Geographic “Earth” book and looked up Colombia.  I had read and re-read that book so many times that I actually remembered the only visual I had of Colombia – it was of a group of tribal men carrying a huge anaconda – a dead one – through a field.  And still this did not scare me off.  I had decided too, to take my 10 week old puppy – ironically named, “Winter” with me to a tropical foreign country.

Two weeks later, I said goodbye to my boyfriend, my cat, my country and my life as I had known it and Winter and I embarked on the journey of a lifetime.  This is where my inner journey truly began – because what happened next changed my thinking and my beliefs forever.  After first being offered the position by the placement officer, he recommended that I get in touch with the Principal of the school in which I would be working in Colombia to learn more about the school, the country and make arrangements for picking me up at the airport.  I remember her words – I always will – when we were saying goodbye for the last time before my trip.  She said, “I will be at the airport with a sign with your name on it and I am bringing Debra with me.”  It seemed an odd thing to say because I had no idea who Debra was, nor would there be any reason for me to know a Debra in Colombia, South America and yet the Principal’s tone indicated that I should know.

Hence, when I stepped off of the plane, retrieved my baggage and walked out in to the arrival lobby of the airport, surrounded by men with automatic machine guns – a vision I had never before seen in Canada – I was astounded when beside the woman I assumed was my new Principal, was Debra.  A girl – the only girl I had become friends with in Canada during my year in Teacher’s college.  She was standing there smiling and I knew in an instant that I was in exactly the place I was meant to be.

This scary journey of travelling over 2000 miles to another continent where I knew no one, suddenly turned into a sacred journey of revelation for me.  I did know someone already and she – Debra – turned out to be both my colleague and my roommate for my first year in Colombia which eased all of my fear and trepidation in an instant.  I was home:  If one could call an entirely different country, culture and race, home.  I did, for three more years of my life even though the contract was originally only for 9 months.  The “Debra” story doesn’t end there, however.

Three years later – yes, I loved Colombia so much that I remained there teaching for three more years – I returned to Canada.  Debra had returned a year earlier and I had lost touch with her.  She was originally from a small town east of Toronto and so I naturally assumed she would have found a job somewhere near that area.

In any case, I spent the next eight months living on my savings and searching for a teaching job.  I waited eagerly from January until June and by the time the summer was ending, I was almost out of money with no job prospects.  However, about two days before the end of August, I applied for a job with a school west of Toronto.  My interview was at 3pm on the first day of school!  Who gets hired the first day of school? I thought to myself.

I was sitting in the interview room and the Principal said to me, “Choose a question from the board and answer it in any order that you choose.”  I chose number 7: It asked, “What is the most interesting experience you’ve had in your life?”  I began to talk about my teaching experience in Colombia and 2-3 minutes later when I brought up Debra as an aside; the Principal looked at me and said, “You don’t mean our Debra?”

I looked just as baffled as her I’m sure, and said, “well, if you mean Debra ________, yes, that’s who I am talking about.”  The Principal looked at me and she replied:  “You are never going to believe this, but we have a Debra ________ here at our school who lived and taught in Colombia for two years and she’s been working here for almost two years now.  She is transferring to another school and so her position is the one you will be taking over.”

I sat there in disbelief.  Not only did I finally have an interview, but of all the school boards and in all of the schools within that school board; and of all the positions I could be interviewing for, could it be possible that it was the Debra ________ who I had once again “followed” to the place in which I was meant to be?

In that moment, the Principal stopped the interview and called Debra down to the office from her classroom.  You can imagine her surprise when she came through the door to find me interviewing for the job she was leaving.   Needless to say, they hired me.  I think we were all in shock.  Since that day, I have never looked at my life the same way. It has given me the faith I have needed in many circumstances when it appears that there is no job, no opportunity, no door opening – I wait in expectation for that ‘new’ door to open and for a “Debra” to be standing there to greet me.

I want to encourage you today to remind yourself of your milestones.  What “Debra” story do you have in your life that you can remind yourself of when times seem hopeless?  If you don’t have a Debra story, perhaps you have something similar or a time when a job, opportunity, or door opened for you when it seemed to be shut tight.  These are the times in our lives that we must hang on to tightly.  They are as much for our future faith as they were to enhance our past experiences.

“One of the saddest lines in the world is, ‘Oh come now – be realistic.’ The best parts of this world were not fashioned by those who were realistic. They were fashioned by those who dared to look hard at their wishes and gave them horses to ride.”  Richard Nelson Bolles

If you truly want to be inspired and to remind yourself that even if you do not “see the whole staircase” watch Martin Luther King Jr.’s Famous Speech, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V57lotnKGF8  and then remember that the United States of America now has a Black President!

Next Post Series:  Ten Things Your Authentic Self Wants to Tell You!

F.E.A.R: Fighting Everyone And Regretting it – How to Respond – Not React! Part 3 of Top 5 Series

Saying about reacting to hurt

F.E.A.R.    Fighting Everyone and Regretting it!  (Reactionary Response)

Many of us make decisions or react out of fear in regards to a present situation because we are triggered by a memory – either consciously or subconsciously – of a past experience where we were hurt or offended in some way.

It is similar to when we have a wound or a cut that is in the process of healing; and someone comes along and bumps into us or pokes us in that exact spot.  We react involuntarily in order to protect ourselves.  Have you ever had someone say or do something to you and you react before you even realize what you are doing and you think to yourself, ‘why did that upset me so much?’  Sometimes we are aware of why we had such a reaction; and sometimes we just know that we are really hurt or really angry.

Many times, we have emotional wounds that were never addressed – usually from our childhood as we were not in a place to speak up for ourselves; nor was it safe to cry or get angry and so we either buried these hurts or these wounds scabbed over and left an indelible mark, but we do not think we carry this pain anymore because the scab has made that area numb to any more pain.

However, when it comes to emotional pain, it will continue to be triggered over and over again until we are able to face it and overcome it.  This is why we often attract similar people or situations to our lives; our subconscious is aware of the underlying hurt and it wants to be free of it and therefore sends out vibrational messages to the universe about the pain and inevitably attracts to us the very instances we need in order to finally heal.

An example:  If we had a parent who was emotionally neglectful and we are carrying pain from this – of feeling rejected – we will continue to attract the same kind of relationships to ourselves.  This is why there is so much advice to always look within in and not without.  In essence, it is not the other person we need to change – it is ourselves.  I mention this phenomenon in greater detail in my other posts under the topic, forgiveness. 

My experience is that I attracted this kind of relationship last spring – I was frustrated and angry because I had been hurt and deceived by a good friend and refusing to deal with that pain, lo and behold, I later attracted an another individual to my life who was also frustrated and angry towards people and towards me.

In many ways, he said things to me that I was feeling towards my friend and towards myself for having been foolish enough to trust this friend. It wasn’t until I was willing to revisit the original hurt that I not only was able to forgive my friend but also had the strength to extricate myself from this new unhealthy relationship.  Thank goodness, because I am more open now to attracting and meeting someone who is healthy and loving.

What happened in the meantime however, is that hanging on to that original pain and anger since last January, I inevitably continued to attract more and more frustrating situations and people to my life.  I was bombarded in 2012 with situations that led me to be hurt, frustrated and taken advantage of.  I became reactionary to these events, instead of being able to respond in a healthy manner.  These people with whom I was angry went on with their lives; I however, found myself stuck in this perpetual well of frustration.

However, the good news is that one day in the early fall, I awoke – my subconscious I suppose shook me awake – and I was able to become free of this pattern.  How did I do it?  I have discussed in many of my posts that there is a process to getting past painful experiences and finally being free of them.  Here is a simplistic outline of this process that I have found works for me:

1.  Sit down and ask yourself when this issue began:  You may get an answer that it was in your childhood, or like me, I knew it was about a year ago.

2.  Face your true feelings:  I had to admit that I was hurt and angry with my friend.

3.  Express these feelings honestly:  I wrote an email to this person (always DRAFT your email – which is not reacting, but responding) outlining what I perceived happened and how really hurt and disappointed I was.  I would normally simply draft it, read it a few times and then delete it.  This time, however, I sent it to the person.  I would highly recommend that you write the email or letter and then wait for a few days before sending it.  You may find that simply writing it and expressing your true feelings is enough.  Sometimes, simply reading it and re-reading it and validating your own feelings can be sufficient.  If however, you feel that you need the other person to know of your hurt; or you genuinely feel this person could benefit from hearing the truth, then it will be up to you whether you choose to send it or not.  If it is a boss or employer where it could put your job or career in jeopardy, I would highly recommend you don’t send it – especially from a reactionary standpoint.  Get a second opinion – have a friend or a colleague (that you REALLY know you can trust)  read it over and ask them what they would recommend.

4.  Forgiveness:  Like most of us, I don’t always feel like forgiving; but we do this for OURSELVES, not for the other person.  The adage, “bitterness is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die” is so true.  We cannot hang onto bitterness as it only poisons ourselves; meanwhile the other person goes merrily on their way.

5.  Visualization Technique:  One way that I achieve forgiveness is through visualizaton.  I imagine a lake with a dock and a boat – the size of the boat varies depending on how angry I am at the person.  I imagine that this person (or situation) is sitting in the boat.  Now, sometimes, if I am really angry, I get in the boat and I pummel this person until there is nothing left of him/her except a little pebble.  Sound awful?  Well, I encourage you to do this if you have that much anger – remember, this is only a visualization technique and cannot hurt the other person; but it a safe way for you to express all of the frustration, anger or disappointment you are carrying.  You can also punch pillows on your bed if that seems less aggressive.

However, lying to ourselves, trying to pretend we aren’t that angry, does not do us any good.  Let’s get good and honest with ourselves.  Sometimes, I am able to simply untie the boat and send it on its merry way with that person in it (I don’t always give them paddles!).  The last time I used this technique, I simply got in the boat, picked up the pebble (what was left of this person) and threw it into the lake and I kept the boat!   There have even been times, that no matter how much I expressed my anger or beat them into a little pebble, I was still not able to push off the boat and let them “go”.

Hence, I have asked Jesus (insert Buddha or whomever you associate with a stronger ability to love) to push the boat off for me.  This may seem silly to you; but I know it has worked for me.  You have to find what works for you – you may visualize something entirely different.  However, I do believe there is something very powerful about actually visualizing the “letting go” or “sending off” or “freeing of” this particular person or situation.  In essence, we are letting off the hook for hurting us.  Another wonderful way to get to the heart of the matter and be truly free from triggers is to use E.F.T. Emotional Freedom Technique.  I have discussed this technique in my other posts and I highly recommend that you read more about it or watch a video on it on the internet to learn more about it!

Step # 6:  Rejoice – be thankful for the lessons or the revelation that this person taught you and then rejoice that you are free to move on with your life – free of the trigger and now free to attract more healthy situations to your life.  We can learn just as much from a healthy, wonderful person or relationship as we can from a negative one!

How can you be sure you have really let it go?

The next time someone similar comes into your life, you will find yourself much less attracted or  not wanting to spend time with this person; or you may simply respond to what they say or do in a more healthy manner.  Sometimes, you may have to go back again and revisit the hurt – I have had to go back to the boat and go a few more rounds with some people!   In any case, you will notice when you begin to respond and not react to similar situations.  You can pat yourself on the back and know that this particular trigger is no longer causing you the same internal F.E.A.R.

Remember:  “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

Next Post:  F.E.A.R:   False Expectations Appearing Real – How to Not Worry So Much!

F.E.A.R: Forget Everything And Run – How to Identify Liars, Manipulators, Sociopaths & Passive-Aggressors – Part 2 of Top 5 Series

spider luring its prety

Come into my Parlour, said the Spider to the fly!

F.E.A.R:   Forget Everything and Run

How to Spot Passive – Aggression and How to Run from it before it’s too late:

1.  Does he tell you he’ll meet you at 7 and then turn up an hour late?

2.  Does she seem distant or cold, but says she’s fine?

3.  Does he provoke you and then ask, “Why are you so upset?” or “Why are you so sensitive?”

4.  Does she constantly praise you for your nice house/car/spouse and then ask why she can’t be so fortunate?

Passive-Aggression is defined as “someone who appears very friendly, extremely agreeable, complimentary and full of promises, but chronically or repetitively undermines others by obstructing their progress, provokes feelings of anger in others, seeks revenge or sabotages a relationship, in order to work out their deep-seated anger.”

What is PA and where did the term originate?

Coined in WWII.  Army psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger; he studied soldiers who complied with rigorous training and appeared to be obedient,  only to resist or ignore orders, undermine their fellow soldiers in battle, withdraw or flee from duty.  This century, we have seen PA in action such as Saddam Hussein, after storming into Kuwait, and then claiming his country was the victim of American aggression.  OR Hitler, who annihilated the Jews and all the while, professing the rest of Germany were the ‘real’ victims.   Or as a friend of mine put it, “it’s someone who puts a knife in your back and then gets angry at you for getting their knife bloody!” 

How does a passive-aggressive acquaintance lure you? 

Luring Characteristics:

1.  Very Charming

2.  Excessively friendly

4.  Extremely complimentary

5.  Buys you expensive gifts or lots of them (usually early on, which initiates a feeling of obligation to them)

6.  Extremely Helpful

7.  Essentially, ‘becomes’ your DREAM date, friend, spouse, colleague, boss, (at least initially)

8.  Life of the party; Fun to be around. 

Psychological Profile: How to Identify Passive-aggression:

1.  Loud; attention seeking

2.  Extremely Gregarious (always smiling) and Out-going

3.  The beginner who gets in there like a dirty shirt.

4.  Very competitive with others and you

5.  Infiltrates your personal circle, clubs and hobbies very quickly

6.  Female:  tends to dress provocatively

7.  Male: tends to be extremely well-groomed

8.  Constantly brings up issues or sore spots that he/she knows is a sensitive area for you (usually in the guise of being concerned)

9.  Tells you how you’re GOING to feel or what you PROBABLY will experience in a certain situation because they’ve been through that!

10.  Speaks of being angry at parents, boss, God, or other people in their life, but they never seem to confront or make peace with these people.

11.  When you ask them how they are; they typically answer, “I had such a horrible week” and proceed to tell you how they were the victim of everyone’s mistakes or judgments.

12.  If you confront them on minor issues, they will act offended and turn your hurt into theirs.

13.  Silent Treatment

14.  Empty promises.

15.  Rarely apologizes; blames others or you and likely repeats the offending behavior no matter how many times you tell them it bothers you.

What causes PA?  It’s an overall sense of lack of control or inability to express anger in a healthy manner.   It can originate from any one of these:

1.  High rate of PA people have alcoholic parents.

2.  Controlling mother, passive father

3.  Suppressed anger in the family

4.  Sexual abuse

5.  Fears of inadequacy

6.  Sense of Entitlement (the world’s been tough on me, so I deserve or don’t deserve…)

7.  Poverty or lack becomes jealousy of other’s lives

8.  Not being able to express feelings easily

 Typical Behavioral Patterns of a PA:

*You can meet someone who is passive aggressive anywhere, even within your own family.

Person                                    Behaviors                                Common Expressions

Boss Excessively praising, yet you NEVER see a bonus or a raise.  Gives approval, but undermines your efforts. “I’d like to see you in the role of ____________”   (but then gives the position to someone else.)
Colleague Offers to complete or provide an item for your presentation (for the boss) and then ‘accidentally’ forgets it or damages it. “I don’t mind   doing that for you; let me help you. ”Followed by:“Oh, I’m really   sorry, I forgot it.  I’m so sorry.”
Family Member A brother who promises to check in on your widowed mother, but constantly ‘forgets’ or just couldn’t get there (car breaks   down), leaving the responsibility to you. When they don’t follow through and you call them on  it, they respond, “Well, you’ve got a car and more time, why couldn’t you  have checked on her?”
Spouse Generally disagreeable; Silent Treatment;  Sabotaging plans you’ve made by not being available/feigning illness/he’s  ‘too tired.’ “Yeah, I’ll get  to that.”Not doing it and then when you ask again:“Why don’t you stop your nagging and then I’ll do it.”
Friend Excessive compliments;   extravagant gifts; too much, too soon.  Infiltrates your life; personal relationships; clubs; hobbies.Flirts with your   partner or excessively nice to your friends, too soon. “I’m always here for you” and then not calling for days.“You work so hard; what a great house/car/spouse you have” followed by, “Why am I so   unlucky?  Why is God so unfair to me?”
***Acquaintance Sarcasm; Non-committal; insulting or making fun of what you’ve just confessed is a sensitive issue for you. “You’re really short!” followed by, “What? I’m just  joking, don’t be so sensitive!”

*If you can catch it at the “acquaintance” stage, then you might protect yourself from letting a passive-aggressive person infiltrate your life.

How will you FEEL with a PA?

1.  Your intuition or “GUT” will tell you that you can’t trust this person.

2.  A nagging feeling you’re not safe around this person.

3.  You may feel like you’ve been dismissed or provoked or mistreated, but you’re not sure exactly what they ‘said’ or ‘did’ that has made you feel uncomfortable.

4.  A general sense of uneasiness around this person.

5.  You will doubt yourself or blame yourself for bringing on their behavior towards you.

6.  Guilt: your feelings will be turned around on you (when you finally choose to confront this person or distance yourself from them) by statements such as: 

1.  “Why are you bringing this up now?”

2. “Why do you have to ruin our plans/date/evening?”

3. “I understand how you feel, but I think this is your issue.”

4.  “I’m so offended.  How could you possibly think I could do something like that to you?”

5.  “I feel like you’re throwing me away!”

*In essence, your better judgment tells you he/she is being hostile, but you question yourself instead of confronting this person.  You attribute your reaction to over-sensitivity, not his/her insensitivity.  The minute you doubt yourself, or take on some of the responsibility (‘maybe it is my fault!’) the passive-aggressive person has the upper hand and often uses the rejoinder, “Yes, why are you so upset?”  “Yes!  Have you thought this might be your issue?”

How to disentangle yourself from a PA’s web?

1.  Be clear to them about the behavior that upsets you.  Use “When you do this, I feel…”

2.   Refrain from sharing or divulging personal feelings, events or any information that could potentially be used against you.

3.  Distance yourself from this person as much as possible.

4.  Share your experience with at least one other person you can trust, so that he/she can observe and validate you, when you are doubting yourself or feeling guilty over distancing yourself from the PA person.

5.  Set firm boundaries with this person.  “I don’t like when you do that.” OR “Please don’t call me at home.”  If they offer to help you and you feel uneasy, say “No thank you.”

6.  Most importantly: trust your inner voice.  Let it be your guide and hopefully a PA person will remain an acquaintance and you will not get entangled in their web.  Good luck!

Next Post:  F.E.A.R: Fighting Everyone And Regretting it!  How to Respond – Not React!

Healing Depression – Moving From “Dis-ease” to “Ease” – Part 5 of Top 5 Series

 

depression image9372362-happy-young-woman-spreads-her-arms

Want to get over your depression?  Well, then, just enjoy the sunshine, get plenty of sleep – and be sociable!

Ugh!  Okay, what if we don’t feel like going out in the sunshine; we can’t sleep because our minds are too busy stressing and we definitely do NOT feel like seeing or talking to anyone?

The bottom line is that depression or anything that affects our physical, mental and emotional well-being cannot be alleviated overnight.  It takes time.  It’s a process and rather than looking externally to drugs and pharmaceutical companies to heal us, I cannot stress enough that we must look within.

Our health and well-being is the most important aspect in our lives.  Why?  Because no amount of money, prosperity or possessions can replace, be traded for or buy good health.  How can we truly enjoy anything in life if we are physically unwell?  Louise L. Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life believes that every physical ailment is a psychological manifestation.  Her book outlines almost every possible illness that we can create within our own bodies, along with the root emotional cause and the affirmation which can help to alleviate it.  Of course, it is not simply our words that bring about good health, prosperity or love. It is the emotion and energy we attach to it and how often we practice self-love and positive thinking and speaking.

In order to be mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually healthy, is to first love ourselves.  We must begin to eliminate all negative self-talk and replace it with loving affirmations towards ourselves.  Positive thinking and speaking – some call this a form of mediation – has been scientifically proven to alleviate stress and negative moods and feelings, ultimately creating more serotonin and feel-good chemicals within our body.   This positive energy, in turn, can be as effective as chemotherapy or pharmaceutical drugs in that it can create positive chemical reactions in our bodies.  However, if we have spent a lifetime of producing negative alchemy within our body, then obviously it will take some time and effort regarding our affirmations to undo the harm we have – and perhaps our parents in what they taught us regarding ourselves  – created in our own bodies and ultimately in our lives.

How do we do this?

Again, major illnesses come from deep-rooted or chronic belief systems.

The Belief that Illness Brings Attention:

If we had a parent or sibling who had an illness while we were growing up and we associated being sick with receiving a lot of attention, we sometimes manifest illness or chronic illness (hypochondria) in order to get the attention we feel we need from our environment.

Chronic Stress:

Any amount of stress over time, if not released can cause toxins in our body.  These toxins accumulate very much like keeping a storage box full of anger, sadness, and unforgiveness towards others or events in life.  When we begin to free ourselves from these “stuck” emotions, we also tend to see symptoms of illnesses – as well as behaviours that can bring about illnesses such as over-eating or lack of exercise – alleviate and disappear.

Out of Ease:

When we find ourselves not at ease it often leads to some kind of “dis-ease”.  At times, we have moderate stress and it can manifest in a simple cold. We tend to recuperate at the rate at which we can reduce the stress or stimuli that is causing the issue in the first place.  However, if we look at pneumonia for example, it is caused by a buildup of infection that is “stuck” from chronic illness in our bodies.  We tend to have emotions that are “stuck” in our bodies and build up to the point where we sometimes need help from an external source to fight against it.

Over-Eating or Lack of Motivation for Exercise:

Anything regarding food and unhealthy eating usually has something to do with lack of self-love and not feeling safe in our environment.  I cocooned myself during my high school years by over eating in order to protect myself from the critical environment in which I found myself.  Interestingly enough, once I finished University and moved to another country, far away from the stimuli that was causing me to cocoon, I lost forty pounds which seemed to melt off of me with no work on my part.

I also felt empowered for the first time in my life and received a lot of positive attention as I was a stranger in a foreign country.  It turned out that my belief system about myself and the critical voice that I had internalized from my childhood began to give way to a more positive, self-loving voice.  I am convinced that this helped me to heal from long-standing criticism.  It was just the beginning and while my physical appearance looked great as I began to exercise and eat much healthier, I still had a lot of internal work to do to catch up.  Eventually, however, with the help of reading many books such as Louise L. Hay’s, I began to do the internal work that was needed to restore my complete mental, emotional and physical well-being.  I have not gained the weight back in fifteen years and probably look ten years younger now than I did then.

Mirror Work:

It is important that on a daily basis we look in the mirror and remind ourselves of the love we have for ourselves.

What if we do not feel loving towards ourselves right now?

#1:  Mirror Work does get easier the more you do it, but if you are not ready to say, “__________, I love you and I believe you deserve wonderful health in your life,” then begin with, “_________, I am willing to like/love you in this moment and am beginning to believe you deserve wonderful health in your life.”  As the words get easier – and they will get easier over time – readjust them to be more positive and direct.

#2:  If you are having a really difficult time loving your adult self, take some time to peruse some old photographs when you were a child.  Choose a photo of yourself as a child that you do feel compassion or tenderness towards.  Take it out and put it in a frame or better yet, enlarge it and put it somewhere in your home that you can be reminded of that innocent child that you still have within you that desperately needs to hear from your adult-self that you love him or her.

Repeating such statements as, “I love and approve of myself” daily can begin a healing process within our bodies that can astound us.  This is not only effective in our physical health and well-being but also for our emotional and mental health as well.  If you cannot say it to yourself yet; then say it your childhood picture – to your inner child for whom you do feel love.

Affirmations:  Sample Affirmations that You Can Use

Health & Well Being

“I am 100 % healthy on a molecular, cellular structure.”

“My face and body reflect the youthful child within me!”

“I love my body and am healthy, fit and feel great.”

“I am healthy and happy at ___ (your ideal weight) pounds.”

“I have lots of energy and exercise 3 times a week!”

I challenge you to begin doing this today and healing and well-being will begin to manifest within your body and your life!  You may even wish to give love to the certain body part of area that is inflicted with the illness.

Some other suggestions: (See website below for reference)

▶ Take 1,500mg of omega-3 daily (in the form of fish oil capsules), with a multivitamin and 500mg vitamin C and 1000 mg of Vitamin D ***Make sure you check with your doctor if you have never taken any of these or you are taking other medications – and it is NEVER recommended to go off any anti-depressants unless your doctor has been consulted.

▶ Don’t dwell on negative thoughts – instead of ruminating start an activity; even conversation counts.

Exercise for 20-30 minutes a day when possible – even if it’s a walk in the sunshine.

▶ Get 15-30 minutes of sunlight each morning in the summer. In the winter, consider using a lightbox.

▶ Be sociable – even going for a coffee is beneficial

▶ Get eight hours of sleep

Related Articles:

( http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/19/beat-depression-without-drugs )

Next Post Series:  Top 5 Expert Series – Intuition and Our 5 Senses – How to Use Them to Enhance Our Lives!

Healing Depression – Part 2 of Top 5 Expert Series

Depression picturehappiness on coast

Previously, I discussed how essentially depression is a response to either repressed anger or sadness –  of course there are exceptions such as physical and chemical imbalances, although these too are often brought about by traumatic incidents in our lives.  Similarly, Deepak Chopra believes depression is often caused by external stimuli and most importantly, our response – our habitual thinking – in regard to that outside stimuli.

I have read and condensed his article entitled, “How to Heal from Depression” as it is seven pages long and I added below what I thought were the most important points.  However, I highly recommend that you read his entire article as it consists of many different components of depression with strategies to lift ourselves out of it.

What does Deepak Chopra say about depression, what it is and how to deal with it?

According to Deepak Chopra:

“…depression has three components:

  • 1. An early outside cause.
  • 2. A response to that cause.
  • 3. A longstanding habit.

1. Outside causes: During the current recession, 60 percent of people who lost their job say it made them anxious or depressed. The number is much higher among workers who have been laid off for more than a year. Outside events can make you depressed. We all know that. If you subject yourself to enough stress over a long period of time, depression is much more likely—this includes a boring job, a sour relationship, long stretches of loneliness and social isolation and chronic disease.

2. The depressed response: An outside event cannot make you depressed unless you respond in a certain way. People who are depressed learned long ago to have the following responses when something goes wrong:

It’s my fault                                                           I’m not good enough.

Nothing will work out.                                         I knew things would go wrong.

I can’t do anything about it.                                 It was just a matter of time.

When a child has this response because something goes wrong, it can make sense. Small children have little control over their lives; they are weak and vulnerable. An unloving parent can create any of these responses, and so can a disastrous family event like a death.  But if you have these responses when you are grown up, the past is undermining the present.

3. The habit of being depressed: Once you start having a depressed response, it reinforces the next response. Did your first boyfriend dump you? Then it’s natural to fear that the second one might, also. For some people this fear is minor, but for others it looms large. They keep having depressed responses, and after a while these turn into a habit.  Once it turns into a habit, depressed people no longer need an outside trigger. They are depressed about being depressed. A gray film coats everything; optimism is impossible. This defeated state tells us that the brain has formed fixed pathways.”

Below, Deepak Chopra delineates a list of ways in which we can begin to empower ourselves regarding depression – what things to do and what not to do:  

Inner work:

  • Meditate
  • Examine and change your negative beliefs
  • Reject self-defeating responses to life’s challenges
  • Learn new responses that are life-enhancing
  • Adopt a higher vision of life and live by it
  • Recognize self-judgment and reject it
  • Stop believing that fear is right just because it’s powerful
  • Don’t mistake moods for reality.

Outer Work:

  • Change stressful conditions
  • Find fulfilling work
  • Don’t associate with people who increase your depression
  • Find people who are close to who you want to be
  • Learn to give of yourself, be generous of spirit
  • Adopt good sleep habits and exercise lightly once a day
  • Focus on relationships instead of distractions and endless consumerism
  • Learn to re-parent yourself by finding people who know how to love, who are accepting and nonjudgmental.”

Read more of Deepak’s article:

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Heal-from-Depression/2#ixzz2Hh5iNMlm

Next Post: Healing Depression Without Drugs

Depression – Part 1 of Top 5 Series – Lifting Ourselves Out of It

depression imagehappiness on coast

Depression is defined as:

1.  Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.2.  A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.However, Depression Doesn’t Exist!    

Now that I have your attention and possibly your anger, please, keep reading!

For anyone who experiences depression or has come through it, the feelings associated with it are very real.  However, one of the most valuable lessons I learned from my four years of Gestalt Psycho-therapy training was that depression in and of itself does not exist – it is a mental and physiological response to one of two things:  repressed anger or repressed sadness.

Think of it as holding a ball full of air underneath the water.  Everyone knows that it is difficult to do because the displaced air within the ball forces it to ascend upwards and we have to forcefully hold it to keep it under the water. When we do eventually let it go; it flies out of the water upwards proportionately to how deep we were holding it under.

This is very similar to what happens when we are holding anger or sadness within us – it wants to come up and be expressed – but we may not want to see it on the surface.  The problem with this is, the more we repress our anger or sadness, the less we can actually feel joy or happiness.  This is why it is crucial that we allow our anger and sadness to come to the surface so that our hands – and our entire being – is open to experience the joy and happiness life has to offer as well.

The fact that depression in most cases is a result of holding on to negative feelings – and negative energy – is very good news.  While depression feels like a heavy weight upon our shoulders or quicksand that we feel powerless to become free from – anger and sadness are simply emotions that have been trapped within our bodies in response to an experience – and we can be free of them, which in turn will eventually help lift the feelings associated with our depression.

How do we do this?   

I am certainly not going to advise for or against anti-depressants; but  sometimes they can be a TEMPORARY solution to severe depression until we can process and deal with the sadness or anger in which we are holding.  Times in my life that I have experienced depression I did not take drugs and I was able to work through it and come out the other side and that is what I want to share with you today.   The truth is there is no quick fix to dealing with depression.  If one is in this state, even affirmations and trying to lift our vibrational energy may not work – although they cannot hurt either!

Step # 1We need to first identify what emotion is causing the depression – is it anger or is it sadness?  And very often, even behind our anger lies sadness or disappointment over something that has happened to us.  For example, if someone has said or did something very hurtful to us, we are likely to have felt sadness but masked it with anger very quickly in order to deal with it and ‘feel stronger’.  Often we mask our sadness with anger in order to have the strength to stand up to or say goodbye to a particular person or situation in our lives.  How many times have we thought we originally felt anger towards someone and then a few days later, realize that we are actually sad about what happened?

Step # 2:  What are we feeling sad or angry about? The problem with trying to discover what and why we are feeling what we are is that many times by the time our bodies have gone into a depressed state, the actual original hurt or event has long since passed.  It may even have been something in our childhood originally and has been triggered again by something in our adult lives.

So how on earth do we get to the heart of the issue and figure out how and why we are feeling this way?  It isn’t easy. This is the step at which most people feel the most resistance – especially if the hurt did originate – and most do – in our childhood.  We have buried it so deeply and so strategically in order to not have had to deal with it – usually because we were too young to do so or simply not equipped – that there are a few layers that we have to peel away first.  It is necessary that we realize this is a process – and that is what I want to stress here – growth and healing of any kind is a process.  When we cut our finger, our bodies have a wonderful – some would even say miraculous – ability to heal the wound.  This does not happen overnight however; but we can apply ointments that expedite the process.  This is where therapeutic modalities come in – they can include anything from journaling, talking with a friend, talking with a trained psychologist, E.F.T (Emotional Freedom Technique which I will be writing about in a later blog as part of this 5 part series), Reiki, Acupuncture and many more.  You need to discover which one works best for you. In the meantime, I will share with you some practical techniques you can do in the privacy of your own home.

Step # 3:  Writing to Heal 

I have done this several times and I cannot stress enough how powerful – and effective – a technique it is to get at the heart of many of our repressed emotions and physical ailments.  What we do is actually journal with the Depression – almost as if it is a person – or the physical issue – directly.  Why not give it a try? If it doesn’t work then you haven’t lost anything; if it does, I would love to hear back from you as to how it helped.

Dear Depression: 

You have taken over my body, slowed me down, made me feel lethargic and really awful some days.  You must be doing this for a reason.  Please, what is it that you are trying to tell me?  What real emotions are you trying to hold onto for me?  I know you are not my enemy.  I know that you are attempting to protect me from my real emotions.  Please help me to figure out what these are.

Take a few seconds and then respond from the Depression’s point of view – in other words, give it a voice.

Dear (Your Name):

Here is where you allow – freely and without judgement – your Depression (and you do not have to be severely depressed at all, you may just simply feel down or not so great) tell you what is really going on with you.  You may be surprised by what it tells you or it may make a lot of sense.  The trick is to allow it a voice.

This is the same for ailments in the body – another manifestation of repressed hurts, emotions or beliefs that have surfaced in a physical form. Please refer to my Blog # 17:  A Disclaimer about Hemorrhoids and other Annoying Manifestations about this very thing.  It does not matter if this is a small annoyance such as a hemorrhoid or if it is cancer.  Our bodies are the mediator between our core inner self – our subconscious – and our minds.  They are constantly giving us messages. When our leg falls asleep and we begin to feel pins and needles, our body is communicating to us that we need to move and stop cutting off the blood supply to our extremities.  Why does it do this?  To protect us.  Why do our bodies develop “dis – ease”?  Because we are “out” of “ease” with our true selves and our bodies want to return to homeostasis and ease again – and it will help us do this if we are willing to give it a voice.

Dear Hemorrhoid/ Dear Cancer:  Again, allow yourself to be really honest about how you are feeling towards it.  Maybe you hate your cancer or your disease.  Tell it that.  It can handle it because it is in your body to tell you something as well.  Then let it.

Give your depression, anger, sadness and your pain – whether it be emotional or physical, a VOICE today.  Let it communicate to you in plain language what it has been trying to tell you silently.  Once you “hear” it – you may well be on your way to recovery and freedom.

Below is a website that delineates the Myths and Facts regarding Depression:   

http://www.webmd.com/depression/ss/slideshow-depression-myths

Next Post:  Depression – Top 5 Experts/Techniques Series – Deepak Chopra