Tag Archive | toxic people

10 Things Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You – The Naked Truth About Yourself! Part 5 of 10 Series

bth_homeless

The 5th Thing Your Authentic Self Wants to Tell You:

You are NOT your house, job, car, money or possessions!

I want you to imagine for a moment that you are just you.  Imagine that you are sitting on the bench above and you have no job, no career, no family, no clothes, no car, no possessions and you have to rely simply on who you as a person.  Now ask yourself these questions:

1.  Who am I? What qualities or attributes do I possess within me that make me who I am?

2.  How do I use my possessions to tell myself, my family and the world who I am? Can I live with myself without all of these “things” representing me?

I am going to preface this post with saying that there is nothing wrong with being blessed and having a home, job, career, car – even two or three cars, a family, lovely clothes and lots of possessions.  We are entitled to our divine inheritance as is everyone on this planet.

However, there is something wrong with tying our whole identity as a human being – the organic, molecular structure and the spirit within us – to a series or collection of physical inorganic, man-made items that we call “ours”.  Why?  Only because we get so tied up and stressed out with the purpose of obtaining – and then maintaining and sustaining – these things that we forget our own self-worth – who we truly are without these things.

I am convinced this is why many people who become wealthy or famous or politically successful fall into the temptation of corruption – it’s because they forget who they are at the core – they’ve lost sight of their inner self that has integrity and honesty – in the pursuit of fame, fortune and prestige.  The rest of us who live moderately successful lives also do this – perhaps not on the same scale, but we forget or resent spending time with our families because work is more important; we don’t take care of our own health because we are too busy running around to actually run.

What good are any of these things, if we are lying in bed with a disease caused from the stress of obtaining and keeping these things or we have lost our families because of our negligence?

It all comes down to this:

Net Worth vs. Personal Currency:

Have we put our “Net Worth” before our own Personal Currency – what we are worth as a human being?   I am here to tell you that your net worth is not – and never will be – worth more than your own personal currency which consists of your character, your spirit, your ideas and the love you have to offer to your fellow human beings.

We can easily lose our jobs, houses, cars, family and all of our possessions; but the real tragedy is when we lose ourselves – our humanity, our integrity, our kindness, our patience towards others and our own families.  So today, go sit on a park bench during your lunch and take inventory. If this bench was your home, could you live with yourself?

Next Post:  The 6th Thing Your Authentic Self Has to Tell You!

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F.E.A.R: Fighting Everyone And Regretting it – How to Respond – Not React! Part 3 of Top 5 Series

Saying about reacting to hurt

F.E.A.R.    Fighting Everyone and Regretting it!  (Reactionary Response)

Many of us make decisions or react out of fear in regards to a present situation because we are triggered by a memory – either consciously or subconsciously – of a past experience where we were hurt or offended in some way.

It is similar to when we have a wound or a cut that is in the process of healing; and someone comes along and bumps into us or pokes us in that exact spot.  We react involuntarily in order to protect ourselves.  Have you ever had someone say or do something to you and you react before you even realize what you are doing and you think to yourself, ‘why did that upset me so much?’  Sometimes we are aware of why we had such a reaction; and sometimes we just know that we are really hurt or really angry.

Many times, we have emotional wounds that were never addressed – usually from our childhood as we were not in a place to speak up for ourselves; nor was it safe to cry or get angry and so we either buried these hurts or these wounds scabbed over and left an indelible mark, but we do not think we carry this pain anymore because the scab has made that area numb to any more pain.

However, when it comes to emotional pain, it will continue to be triggered over and over again until we are able to face it and overcome it.  This is why we often attract similar people or situations to our lives; our subconscious is aware of the underlying hurt and it wants to be free of it and therefore sends out vibrational messages to the universe about the pain and inevitably attracts to us the very instances we need in order to finally heal.

An example:  If we had a parent who was emotionally neglectful and we are carrying pain from this – of feeling rejected – we will continue to attract the same kind of relationships to ourselves.  This is why there is so much advice to always look within in and not without.  In essence, it is not the other person we need to change – it is ourselves.  I mention this phenomenon in greater detail in my other posts under the topic, forgiveness. 

My experience is that I attracted this kind of relationship last spring – I was frustrated and angry because I had been hurt and deceived by a good friend and refusing to deal with that pain, lo and behold, I later attracted an another individual to my life who was also frustrated and angry towards people and towards me.

In many ways, he said things to me that I was feeling towards my friend and towards myself for having been foolish enough to trust this friend. It wasn’t until I was willing to revisit the original hurt that I not only was able to forgive my friend but also had the strength to extricate myself from this new unhealthy relationship.  Thank goodness, because I am more open now to attracting and meeting someone who is healthy and loving.

What happened in the meantime however, is that hanging on to that original pain and anger since last January, I inevitably continued to attract more and more frustrating situations and people to my life.  I was bombarded in 2012 with situations that led me to be hurt, frustrated and taken advantage of.  I became reactionary to these events, instead of being able to respond in a healthy manner.  These people with whom I was angry went on with their lives; I however, found myself stuck in this perpetual well of frustration.

However, the good news is that one day in the early fall, I awoke – my subconscious I suppose shook me awake – and I was able to become free of this pattern.  How did I do it?  I have discussed in many of my posts that there is a process to getting past painful experiences and finally being free of them.  Here is a simplistic outline of this process that I have found works for me:

1.  Sit down and ask yourself when this issue began:  You may get an answer that it was in your childhood, or like me, I knew it was about a year ago.

2.  Face your true feelings:  I had to admit that I was hurt and angry with my friend.

3.  Express these feelings honestly:  I wrote an email to this person (always DRAFT your email – which is not reacting, but responding) outlining what I perceived happened and how really hurt and disappointed I was.  I would normally simply draft it, read it a few times and then delete it.  This time, however, I sent it to the person.  I would highly recommend that you write the email or letter and then wait for a few days before sending it.  You may find that simply writing it and expressing your true feelings is enough.  Sometimes, simply reading it and re-reading it and validating your own feelings can be sufficient.  If however, you feel that you need the other person to know of your hurt; or you genuinely feel this person could benefit from hearing the truth, then it will be up to you whether you choose to send it or not.  If it is a boss or employer where it could put your job or career in jeopardy, I would highly recommend you don’t send it – especially from a reactionary standpoint.  Get a second opinion – have a friend or a colleague (that you REALLY know you can trust)  read it over and ask them what they would recommend.

4.  Forgiveness:  Like most of us, I don’t always feel like forgiving; but we do this for OURSELVES, not for the other person.  The adage, “bitterness is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die” is so true.  We cannot hang onto bitterness as it only poisons ourselves; meanwhile the other person goes merrily on their way.

5.  Visualization Technique:  One way that I achieve forgiveness is through visualizaton.  I imagine a lake with a dock and a boat – the size of the boat varies depending on how angry I am at the person.  I imagine that this person (or situation) is sitting in the boat.  Now, sometimes, if I am really angry, I get in the boat and I pummel this person until there is nothing left of him/her except a little pebble.  Sound awful?  Well, I encourage you to do this if you have that much anger – remember, this is only a visualization technique and cannot hurt the other person; but it a safe way for you to express all of the frustration, anger or disappointment you are carrying.  You can also punch pillows on your bed if that seems less aggressive.

However, lying to ourselves, trying to pretend we aren’t that angry, does not do us any good.  Let’s get good and honest with ourselves.  Sometimes, I am able to simply untie the boat and send it on its merry way with that person in it (I don’t always give them paddles!).  The last time I used this technique, I simply got in the boat, picked up the pebble (what was left of this person) and threw it into the lake and I kept the boat!   There have even been times, that no matter how much I expressed my anger or beat them into a little pebble, I was still not able to push off the boat and let them “go”.

Hence, I have asked Jesus (insert Buddha or whomever you associate with a stronger ability to love) to push the boat off for me.  This may seem silly to you; but I know it has worked for me.  You have to find what works for you – you may visualize something entirely different.  However, I do believe there is something very powerful about actually visualizing the “letting go” or “sending off” or “freeing of” this particular person or situation.  In essence, we are letting off the hook for hurting us.  Another wonderful way to get to the heart of the matter and be truly free from triggers is to use E.F.T. Emotional Freedom Technique.  I have discussed this technique in my other posts and I highly recommend that you read more about it or watch a video on it on the internet to learn more about it!

Step # 6:  Rejoice – be thankful for the lessons or the revelation that this person taught you and then rejoice that you are free to move on with your life – free of the trigger and now free to attract more healthy situations to your life.  We can learn just as much from a healthy, wonderful person or relationship as we can from a negative one!

How can you be sure you have really let it go?

The next time someone similar comes into your life, you will find yourself much less attracted or  not wanting to spend time with this person; or you may simply respond to what they say or do in a more healthy manner.  Sometimes, you may have to go back again and revisit the hurt – I have had to go back to the boat and go a few more rounds with some people!   In any case, you will notice when you begin to respond and not react to similar situations.  You can pat yourself on the back and know that this particular trigger is no longer causing you the same internal F.E.A.R.

Remember:  “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

Next Post:  F.E.A.R:   False Expectations Appearing Real – How to Not Worry So Much!

F.E.A.R: Is it Getting in Your Way or Trying to Help You? Part 1 of Top 5 Series

intuition chart

FEAR:  What is it?  Perhaps you can decide from which acronym about FEAR you are currently making decisions in your life:

F.E.A.R.    Forget Everything and Run!  (Natural Fight or Flight Response)

F.E.A.R.    Fight Everything & Everyone and Regret it!  (Reactionary Response)

F.E.A.R.    False Expectations Appearing Real (Worrying Unnecessarily)

F.E.A.R.    Forgetting Everything’s All Right (Distorted Perception)

The interesting thing about fear is that it encompasses many aspects; it may be a natural response to something or someone intending to do us harm; it may be a reaction based on past experiences; it may be our own need to worry unnecessarily; or it may be all in our imagination.

On some level, fear is ancestral – it is a natural response to stimuli that we are perceiving – and may be truly – harmful.  However, it can also be a present reaction to any number of negative past experiences (a broken heart) that we have had; or a lack of response to opportunities because of statements that we have been told in our lives, such as, “Don’t become a musician/writer/artist/photographer!  You’ll never make a living at it!”  that keep us in our comfort zone.  And sometimes, it may simply be our own minds creating fear based on certain thoughts we are entertaining.

How can we tell the difference? 

When can fear be a gift? 

Fear or the “Fight or Flight” response to a stimulus is often connected to what I wrote about in my last blog series:  Our Sixth Sense – Are we Listening?  We have been given a gift of intuition that speaks to us from a very deep place – or perhaps even a higher knowing – in order to protect us from certain people, places and situations.  This is the voice of fear to which we should listen.

This is highlighted and explained in detail in Gavin De Becker’s book, entitled, The Gift of Fear. He explores how fear is a gift that can be used to keep us safe.  In fact, how he refers to fear is more about our intuitive voice and what it tells us BEFORE we get ourselves into trouble.  The Gift of Fear is an “…empowering book”…in which, “Gavin de Becker shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger—before it’s too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love.”

I highly recommend it as the crimes that he has researched are very interesting; however, if you’re interested in just a sample of one of the stories he uses to highlight this issue, please refer to the following site for the excerpt from his book.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/The-Gift-of-Fear-by-Gavin-de-Becker#ixzz2IoFvhI6Q

There are certainly times when we find ourselves in scary situations and exposed to people who if not meaning to do us violent harm; may very well be manipulative or unhealthy for us.  This is the type of fearful response that we should listen to.  Usually, long before anyone can do us harm or hurt us or manipulate us, our intuitive voice has been telling us to extricate ourselves from this person’s life or the situation and we haven’t listened.  (See chart above!) It is time we do listen; as it may just save our sanity, if not our lives!

Next Post:   (#2):  F.E.A.R. – Forget Everything and Run  – Liars, Manipulators, Sociopaths & Passive Aggressors and How to Know When to Run!

Following Posts:

(# 3):  F.E.A.R.  Fighting Everyone and Regretting it  – How to be Responsive,  Not  Reactive!

(#4):  F.E.A.R. – False Expectations Appearing Real – How to Worry Less!

(#5):   F.E.A.R.  – Forgetting Everything is All Right! – How to Have More Faith!

F.E.A.R: Forget Everything And Run – How to Identify Liars, Manipulators, Sociopaths & Passive-Aggressors – Part 2 of Top 5 Series

spider luring its prety

Come into my Parlour, said the Spider to the fly!

F.E.A.R:   Forget Everything and Run

How to Spot Passive – Aggression and How to Run from it before it’s too late:

1.  Does he tell you he’ll meet you at 7 and then turn up an hour late?

2.  Does she seem distant or cold, but says she’s fine?

3.  Does he provoke you and then ask, “Why are you so upset?” or “Why are you so sensitive?”

4.  Does she constantly praise you for your nice house/car/spouse and then ask why she can’t be so fortunate?

Passive-Aggression is defined as “someone who appears very friendly, extremely agreeable, complimentary and full of promises, but chronically or repetitively undermines others by obstructing their progress, provokes feelings of anger in others, seeks revenge or sabotages a relationship, in order to work out their deep-seated anger.”

What is PA and where did the term originate?

Coined in WWII.  Army psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger; he studied soldiers who complied with rigorous training and appeared to be obedient,  only to resist or ignore orders, undermine their fellow soldiers in battle, withdraw or flee from duty.  This century, we have seen PA in action such as Saddam Hussein, after storming into Kuwait, and then claiming his country was the victim of American aggression.  OR Hitler, who annihilated the Jews and all the while, professing the rest of Germany were the ‘real’ victims.   Or as a friend of mine put it, “it’s someone who puts a knife in your back and then gets angry at you for getting their knife bloody!” 

How does a passive-aggressive acquaintance lure you? 

Luring Characteristics:

1.  Very Charming

2.  Excessively friendly

4.  Extremely complimentary

5.  Buys you expensive gifts or lots of them (usually early on, which initiates a feeling of obligation to them)

6.  Extremely Helpful

7.  Essentially, ‘becomes’ your DREAM date, friend, spouse, colleague, boss, (at least initially)

8.  Life of the party; Fun to be around. 

Psychological Profile: How to Identify Passive-aggression:

1.  Loud; attention seeking

2.  Extremely Gregarious (always smiling) and Out-going

3.  The beginner who gets in there like a dirty shirt.

4.  Very competitive with others and you

5.  Infiltrates your personal circle, clubs and hobbies very quickly

6.  Female:  tends to dress provocatively

7.  Male: tends to be extremely well-groomed

8.  Constantly brings up issues or sore spots that he/she knows is a sensitive area for you (usually in the guise of being concerned)

9.  Tells you how you’re GOING to feel or what you PROBABLY will experience in a certain situation because they’ve been through that!

10.  Speaks of being angry at parents, boss, God, or other people in their life, but they never seem to confront or make peace with these people.

11.  When you ask them how they are; they typically answer, “I had such a horrible week” and proceed to tell you how they were the victim of everyone’s mistakes or judgments.

12.  If you confront them on minor issues, they will act offended and turn your hurt into theirs.

13.  Silent Treatment

14.  Empty promises.

15.  Rarely apologizes; blames others or you and likely repeats the offending behavior no matter how many times you tell them it bothers you.

What causes PA?  It’s an overall sense of lack of control or inability to express anger in a healthy manner.   It can originate from any one of these:

1.  High rate of PA people have alcoholic parents.

2.  Controlling mother, passive father

3.  Suppressed anger in the family

4.  Sexual abuse

5.  Fears of inadequacy

6.  Sense of Entitlement (the world’s been tough on me, so I deserve or don’t deserve…)

7.  Poverty or lack becomes jealousy of other’s lives

8.  Not being able to express feelings easily

 Typical Behavioral Patterns of a PA:

*You can meet someone who is passive aggressive anywhere, even within your own family.

Person                                    Behaviors                                Common Expressions

Boss Excessively praising, yet you NEVER see a bonus or a raise.  Gives approval, but undermines your efforts. “I’d like to see you in the role of ____________”   (but then gives the position to someone else.)
Colleague Offers to complete or provide an item for your presentation (for the boss) and then ‘accidentally’ forgets it or damages it. “I don’t mind   doing that for you; let me help you. ”Followed by:“Oh, I’m really   sorry, I forgot it.  I’m so sorry.”
Family Member A brother who promises to check in on your widowed mother, but constantly ‘forgets’ or just couldn’t get there (car breaks   down), leaving the responsibility to you. When they don’t follow through and you call them on  it, they respond, “Well, you’ve got a car and more time, why couldn’t you  have checked on her?”
Spouse Generally disagreeable; Silent Treatment;  Sabotaging plans you’ve made by not being available/feigning illness/he’s  ‘too tired.’ “Yeah, I’ll get  to that.”Not doing it and then when you ask again:“Why don’t you stop your nagging and then I’ll do it.”
Friend Excessive compliments;   extravagant gifts; too much, too soon.  Infiltrates your life; personal relationships; clubs; hobbies.Flirts with your   partner or excessively nice to your friends, too soon. “I’m always here for you” and then not calling for days.“You work so hard; what a great house/car/spouse you have” followed by, “Why am I so   unlucky?  Why is God so unfair to me?”
***Acquaintance Sarcasm; Non-committal; insulting or making fun of what you’ve just confessed is a sensitive issue for you. “You’re really short!” followed by, “What? I’m just  joking, don’t be so sensitive!”

*If you can catch it at the “acquaintance” stage, then you might protect yourself from letting a passive-aggressive person infiltrate your life.

How will you FEEL with a PA?

1.  Your intuition or “GUT” will tell you that you can’t trust this person.

2.  A nagging feeling you’re not safe around this person.

3.  You may feel like you’ve been dismissed or provoked or mistreated, but you’re not sure exactly what they ‘said’ or ‘did’ that has made you feel uncomfortable.

4.  A general sense of uneasiness around this person.

5.  You will doubt yourself or blame yourself for bringing on their behavior towards you.

6.  Guilt: your feelings will be turned around on you (when you finally choose to confront this person or distance yourself from them) by statements such as: 

1.  “Why are you bringing this up now?”

2. “Why do you have to ruin our plans/date/evening?”

3. “I understand how you feel, but I think this is your issue.”

4.  “I’m so offended.  How could you possibly think I could do something like that to you?”

5.  “I feel like you’re throwing me away!”

*In essence, your better judgment tells you he/she is being hostile, but you question yourself instead of confronting this person.  You attribute your reaction to over-sensitivity, not his/her insensitivity.  The minute you doubt yourself, or take on some of the responsibility (‘maybe it is my fault!’) the passive-aggressive person has the upper hand and often uses the rejoinder, “Yes, why are you so upset?”  “Yes!  Have you thought this might be your issue?”

How to disentangle yourself from a PA’s web?

1.  Be clear to them about the behavior that upsets you.  Use “When you do this, I feel…”

2.   Refrain from sharing or divulging personal feelings, events or any information that could potentially be used against you.

3.  Distance yourself from this person as much as possible.

4.  Share your experience with at least one other person you can trust, so that he/she can observe and validate you, when you are doubting yourself or feeling guilty over distancing yourself from the PA person.

5.  Set firm boundaries with this person.  “I don’t like when you do that.” OR “Please don’t call me at home.”  If they offer to help you and you feel uneasy, say “No thank you.”

6.  Most importantly: trust your inner voice.  Let it be your guide and hopefully a PA person will remain an acquaintance and you will not get entangled in their web.  Good luck!

Next Post:  F.E.A.R: Fighting Everyone And Regretting it!  How to Respond – Not React!